Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: In our bed (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: mixedemotions00
    ASL Info:    24/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    6.26 - 574/377/69
    Words: 102
    Class/Type: Poetry/Nostalgia
    Total Views: 599
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 672



    Description:
       kind of a sister piece to Sunday Morning... though written about different men (!)


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIn our bed (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I woke today
    to gray skies and steady rain.
    You were gone,
    leaving me in bed.

    The cat curled on my pillow;
    she stole it during the night.
    I found one of your socks
    with my toes
    in the folds of our blankets.

    I lay where you slept,
    burrow into the mattress,
    and breathe in deeply.
    I can smell your soap.

    When the day is nearly done,
    you'll take me upstairs by the hand.
    We will lay without speaking,
    cocooned between the sheets.

    I woke today
    and though alone,
    I found warmth
    in the traces of you.




    Submitted on 2010-06-24 14:49:28     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I'm going to have to disagree with both of the comments below. I found that what Raph called filler to be more of a scene setting, like the beginning of a play. There's whole pages sometimes on what the scene should look like, and the first unspoken movement of actors coming onto the stage, their directions writ out as prose. I liked how you did it, and it wasn't too much. It was just right, like waking up in the morning and taking notice of the details that catch your eye right away: grey, rain, missing person. It was very simple, and I think that's what caught my attention the first time I read it. The entire poem feels like something that could be. It's very succinct descriptions make up for all the lack of emotion (not that there is a lack of emotion), but the actions really do relay the feelings of love and longing and what a real person would do when they do feel those things. It's warming, and somewhat hopeful.
    The last three stanzas really do it for me. They feel like a wonderful play by play. There's a sense of steadiness, calm, even patience. The real heart of the poem comes out when you can understand those sensations. It's really just about feeling this poem and being in those places as well as you describe them.
    You're very consistent with the write. And it's appreciated. This poem cheered me up a lot today, even though I've had this favourite'd for maybe two weeks. It's just a beautiful reminder for me. Comfort and love has a place in a home. In a room. Even if it's make-believe.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      if the second strophe talks about pillows and sheets and the first talks about waking then we can assume that the narrator found herself alone in bed.

    that is a longwinded way of saying you could trim down what you have and leave us with the bare essentials.

    I think that structurally you could take a few risks as far as dropping the formality and trusting that you can make sense, by this i mean that poetry can be like a highlight reel, giving up snapshots that serve in place of the whole.

    cat curled on the pillow
    she stole last night;
    I found one of your socks
    with my toes
    in the folds of our blankets.


    For me there's not enough going on in this version,
    in the original you had the sense that she'd lost something, and while this is quietly nice, (this version)
    I don't think there's enough at risk to elevate the poem.
    | Posted on 2010-06-25 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      smelling the soap on your skin,
    cocooned in our bed.

    Our cat curled on my pillow;

    I don't like the our/my of this line though as it seems as if you're trying too hard to set up a sense of discord and along with that the first stanza with the grey skies and rain seems overtly symbolic, better to just wake in the bed, shivering (if you must)

    she stole it during the night.
    I found one of your socks
    with my toes
    in the folds of our blankets.

    those are your best lines for me....
    I feel they are the most natural, both sections have a lovely rhythm that unfolds, that allows for surprises.

    Everything else seemed/seems a bit staged, as if the thought and the thought were more important than the realization/living out/feel evoked by the actual drama.... in other words it could be likened to saying you are going to throw a paddy, which is far less real than actually throwing a paddy, and as a result it's a bit far removed from the cause.

    I get where you are going with it, but at present it seems like a list, and a list of ingredients, when what you need to do is cook to change the structure of things.

    I guess I'm saying you need to work harder or with more subtlety to bring out the resonance of connections.

    Taking a look at this connection between spiritual state and the physical:

    I will exchange meaningless pleasantries.
    I will smile on cue.

    But I will not feel sunshine
    until I am once again
    wrapped in your arms,


    I'd say it's a bit obvious to put sunshine and smile so closely together, but then the difference between what is shown (warmth) and what is felt (coldness) is a nice complexity, it's just that you have to search for phrasing or a light/way of showing it that reaches beyond the ordinary. That is poetry.

    And here's an example of something that I think is surprising and simple, yet as far as using the elements goes, and then making it something more, I think it's really brilliant:

    But Not to Me (By Sara Teasdale)

    The April night is still and sweet
    With flowers on every tree;
    Peace comes to them on quiet feet,
    But not to me.

    ok.... so that was my unbiased and, most likely, thoroughly confusing review.

    db


    | Posted on 2010-06-25 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I personally feel that theres too much filler. I dislike the middle verse for a start, compared with the rest it just isn't earning it's keep. Each verse should peobably have it's own feel and the one I'm talking about has the exact same tone as the first and last stanzas.

    I like the notion of the cat finding trinkets, I like the strong start to the poem.

    Our cat curled on my pillow;
    she stole it during the night.
    I found one of your socks
    with my toes
    in the folds of our blankets

    This is quirky and works very well because of the particularness.

    But these lines:

    I will exchange meaningless pleasantries.
    I will smile on cue

    They are harsh and over-dramatic.

    The repitition of the last verse is also unecessary to me, it doesn't have the weight of words to show you haven't been lazy.

    What about four verses and just let each occupy it's own moods and images?

    It's up to you I guess.

    Honestly, I would trim it down to this and work from there:

    I woke today
    to gray skies and steady rain.
    I woke and you were gone,
    leaving me shivering
    in our bed
    alone.

    Our cat curled on my pillow;
    she stole it during the night.
    I found one of your socks
    with my toes
    in the folds of our blankets.

    I will get out of bed,
    shower and dress,
    perform my daily actions.
    I will exchange meaningless pleasantries.
    I will smile on cue.

    (But I will not feel sunshine
    until I am once again
    wrapped in your arms,
    smelling the soap on your skin,
    cocooned in our bed.)

    The stanza I have in brackets is actually a very fitting end.

    I actually think this is really good writing, but it has a very obvious flaw I can't overlook ie: you didn't seem confident enough to leave alone, pasting the first stanza onto the last should at least be re-thought.

    Anyways I liked the post, good luck with the writing. If I sound over-picky it's only because you wanted an actual review.

    It's a good poem, just maybe a tweak or two to make it hit home.







    | Posted on 2010-06-24 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    185829

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry