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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ode for a Former Lover (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 930
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 856



    Description:
       reworked. it needs work. all thoughts are welcomed.
    thanxs for the suggestions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOde for a Former Lover (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Beneath the canticles of the constellations
    Coyly adorned with an embrace
    Rose gilded lips part as the red sea -
    Squall, amid embalmed intimations
    My mouth swells to meet yours
    Winnowed waves burst - your
    Salty mist soars upon worn wings – dámelo
    Incantations bleed with fermented hemlock

    Your blight ambrosial heart pressed
    Against my fertile palate
    Your breast flecked with wildflowers which
    My hands like Kodiak cubs explore
    Your thighs a lush meadow where
    Ecstasy expels its seed--

    -An elegy for Amaranthine?

    Encore—
    The siren of the sky emerges
    A lullaby is uttered and,
    The evergreens rustle with enchantment
    Junco’s eyes pierce the opaque night and,
    Barren are the fields—




    Submitted on 2010-06-24 21:59:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      yup -- I'm not well read, and sometimes a reluctant google-er so a lot of this flies over my head but, I think RWS & Emeya have good points, I mean you know the subject matter better than me so you're best equipped to drive the poem where it needs to go, but there is something to that balance thing, humble is beautiful too.

    'My hands like Kodiak cubs explore
    Your thighs a lush meadow where'

    I liked that, you don't read about Kodiak cubs and thighs like lush meadows too often.

    light and shade would be the thing, again, some of the stand alone lines would carry that much more weight with the contrast of simplicity, and my bet is that the simple lines would bind the piece, even outshine them.

    I like that you are going out after these poems, though the trick my be patience and some trial and error to rein them in.

    db
    | Posted on 2010-06-27 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      
    Beneath the canticles of the constellations
    Coyly adorned with (an) embrace
    Rose gilded lips part as the red sea -
    Squall, amid embalmed intimations
    My mouth swells to meet yours
    Winnowed waves burst - your
    Salty mist soars upon worn wings – dámelo
    Incantations bleed with fermented hemlock

    Your blight ambrosial heart pressed
    Against my fertile palate
    Your breast flecked with wildflowers which
    My hands like Kodiak cubs explore
    Your thighs a lush meadow where
    Ecstasy expels its seed--

    -An elegy for Amaranthine?

    Encore—
    The siren of the sky emerges
    A lullaby is uttered and,
    The evergreens rustle with enchantment
    Junco’s eyes pierce the opaque night and,
    Barren are the fields—



    John Paul,

    I have to ask a question that was prompted by an observation in the previous post - Why is most of what you write so ornate? I understand your desire to quicken the senses of the reader but, to a large degree (generally in the opening of this write), you appear to have overwhelmed the senses with allusions to mythology and the subsequent flowery phrases such allusions tend to generate. If you could focus the section above a bit more (think in terms of the "fermented hemlock" and "Kodiak cubs" imagery, for example) this work has the potential to roar out of the gate.

    Just my thoughts.
    Take care.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2010-06-25 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Often when I read/write poetry I imagine a balance between grandiose and humble. Or, alternatively, a fabric with a print should be matched with a solid color. Too much grandiose, or too much print fabric can tip the scales too much (and vice versa) which is what I feel this write is -- just a bit heavy on the paisley/majestic side.

    This is, of course, my view of things and I don't intend to force them on to you. You are free to disregard as you like.

    But here is what I'm really trying to get at: I think what you have, albeit heavy, is beautiful and would truly flourish into an incredible poem if balanced out with a little plainer-speech thrown in to make it more accessible and also to make it read less poetry for poetry's sake. This will, I think, enhance your obvious way with words.

    For example:

    "Beneath the canticles of the constellations
    Coyly adorned with embrace"

    the first line I quoted is quite beautiful, visually and sonically, but the second line I quoted is overdone (in my opinion) and winds up taking away from the first. This line could be simplified to allow both lines, and the underlying sentiment, to fully present itself. I found several instances of this, but...

    Anyway, just thoughts/whatever. You have some exceptional lines here, truly.

    I also like that you have incorporated mythology. I think it was Pluto though, not Chronos (I might be mixing up my gods here, but double check that maybe -- assuming you're talking about the ruler of the underworld and not father time)? I do like how you've woven this myth into the poem subtly, rather than going for the obvious. One has to know the myth to catch the references, but at the same time one doesn't have to know the myth at all to understand the course of the poem.

    And -- Amaranthine, I have always particularly liked that. I actually just wrote a monostich to my boyfriend including this. Just a side note there.

    I hope this wasn't too nit-picky. I do think this has a beauty to it that could be so much more, and I would like to see that.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-06-25 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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