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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Pine Tree Murmurs At Midnightdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 152
    Class/Type: Poetry/Depressed
    Total Views: 361
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1101



    Description:
       ummm, just wanted to write.
    this is actually incomplete. however, i just wanted some thoughts before i add anymore of my ideas to it.
    wondering if it could stand alone.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Pine Tree Murmurs At Midnightdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The pine tree murmurs at midnight;
    Half-mast
    With the dryad’s Dirge for Deidre.
    Statuesque---
    Her tall slender frame,
    An arrow cast from Artemis’ quiver;
    (Her ageless armor riddled
    With the gnawing of the woodpecker).

    I peer across the cosmos,
    A Ghastly half-faced gargoyle
    Blackened by the moss of shame,
    The shame
    Only time can render.
    My pipe arched,
    Hangs from my clenched teeth.
    Silhouettes of smoke;
    Apparitions---
    Tatting the ethics of elfland.

    The moon an imposter;
    Cyclops pale myopic eye,
    Crooked and bloodshot from the start.

    Lacerated
    With the shards of shattered evening
    Proserpina imbibes the pomegranate procession
    The pale Queen’s lute lay silenced --
    Strings hang as a noose to which captive
    Dreams bravely march

    You haunt me and stalk me;
    Pull my flesh…
    Strand by strand
    I unravel---
    An old spinster's spool…




    Submitted on 2010-06-29 04:32:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    Ah. See this is actually more balance, both by words and imagery. The mythological references and archaic speech/symbology present themselves as nuances here -- they enhance the poem without pulling it down, which is [I think] key. Keeping things grounded while still touching the sky.

    I agree with Soul-Hugger in that this is enough and to add to it would make it too much. Obviously you could change a little here or a little there, but even this I don't see much reason for. I particularly loved the bit about the moon, myopic.

    If you're looking to be a bit more streamlined, this is possibly the road to it and might be a good one to see if you can pare down even further to see how much you can do without losing your sense of voice and the meaning the poem is trying to convey.

    For example in paring down:

    I peer across the cosmos,
    A Ghastly half-faced gargoyle
    Blackened by the moss of shame,
    The shame
    Only time can render.
    My pipe arched,
    Hangs from my clenched teeth.
    Silhouettes of smoke;
    Apparitions---
    Tatting the ethics of elfland.

    could be:

    I peer across the cosmos,
    A ghastly half-faced gargoyle
    Blacked by the moss of shame --
    Pipe arched, hanging
    from my clenched teeth;
    Smoking apparitions
    That tat the ethics of elfland.

    *The changes are subtle in many respects, taking out some of the more over-the-top phrasing, explication, that isn't needed. I have also found that, when editing longer pieces, or pieces I am more involved in, that some very good lines or lines that I am partial to need to be sacrificed or used later as their place in the poem at hand isn't significant enough. It's not easy.

    But anyway, it's in the little things.

    -Emeya

    p.s. it is nice to find mythology in poetry -- it is not an easy task and for some reason or another it has been touted as taboo and cliché. I find it intriguing and what can be a great tool.
    | Posted on 2010-07-01 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      I am actually almost speechless. Read this earlier today and had to return to frame my thoughts. Still haven't totally framed them though, except to say that this is wonderful. Deep, thick, resonant.

    Yes, I do think it can stand alone. If you add to it I would almost do it as a second part, keeping it separate if together, if that makes any sense.

    I love it when threads are allowed to dangle from the fabric. This is accomplished here, and I think that adds to its allure. Imagination soars.

    I would love to point out the part I liked best, but I loved it all. You have a gift for words, that is certain. I also like your avatar picture. I am sitting across the table from you trying to plan my next move.

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-06-29 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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