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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lies and Pie.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lechuga
    ASL Info:    16\M\NJ
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 7/15/27
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 425
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1022



    Description:
       A month or two old, triggered by my defense mechanisms. ~


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLies and Pie.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    It seems that I'm lying to myself these days
    The way that things played out is almost the same
    My life is but a sequence of tragic plays
    And my heart will never be in them again.

    Don't dare to tell me that I fell for it twice,
    Too ignorant to take my own damn advice
    Where is the warmth in the lies?
    Where is the sadness in all those goodbyes?

    Every pinprick reminds me of life
    Every new red stain against white
    A reminder of how the days go by,
    'Cause all I've ever done is bleed myself dry.

    In the end, I know this to be true-
    I'm the one to blame
    I'm the only one ashamed
    And nothing, will change my world

    If it is a lie,
    I'll eat it like a slice of peach pie
    I'll savor it and ask for more
    Because it's still you that I adore.




    Submitted on 2010-06-30 17:22:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      There's a lot of feeling in this poem. It seems, especially from your description, that this was triggered by the heart.

    I think this piece has a lot of potential. As I'm sure you know, it has some cliché elements, like lying to yourself, bleeding, saying goodbye, etc. But that doesn't make it a bad poem. If it served its purpose and helped you deal, that makes it worthwhile in and of itself. But further, the quality of this writing can still be salvaged if you're willing to take a second look at some of the poem.

    First, I want to say that I'm not sure how comfortable I am with comparing taking the lie to eating pie. It seems too much of a forced rhyme. I understand you want to stick with the rhyme scheme, but you deviate from it a few times anyway. I'm not sure I have any brilliant suggestions on this :/ But I think that you'd be best off abandoning rhyme all together and writing how you feel in free verse. Because you have the right ideas here, and they just seemed constrained by your attempt to rhyme.

    Good read. And good luck :)
    | Posted on 2010-07-01 00:00:00 | by awastedsky | [ Reply to This ]


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