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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Kindle the Earth (a working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 200
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 846
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1384



    Description:
       i post things that are messes, thick, and need work.i seldom post anything that is more than a 2nd draft. i do this purposely to get feedback...

    p.s. i thought of many titles, but decided to post one that im on the fence about. [insert opinion here]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsKindle the Earth (a working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    The black streams ripple your name tonight.
    Your smile as a lotus-flower,
    Carelessly drifts down the brook.

    It's in this stillness that the Pebbles
    Offer their prayers for you.
    They're innocent that way,
    Like a child attempting to grasp the sun.

    If I were able to redeem
    The giggles from the thicket of your throat;
    Like a cavalcade, I'd charge the dark purple
    Caveat of your consciousness;
    Where revelation is suspended between the soul and sadness;
    There where the larks are free.


    Tonight! I would that we were Lorikeets
    Soaring into the nothingness of tomorrow.
    Do not fear oblivion, my dear,
    It's just a heteronym for romance-
    At the core of the marauder moon

    Lies our amalgamation---

    If you must! --- Then rant against the stars.
    Demand to know of their happiness. But the
    Stars are not happy, mi amor, they're
    Content; like a martyr, there's a difference.

    Among the pantomime of the pantheon
    My fugacious words rise like wax wings;
    They've melted and Puddle around your feet.

    Tonight I would that we were seraphs consumed by a quasar,
    And kindle the earth with our iridescence.




    Submitted on 2010-07-02 02:23:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this one could be condensed, somewhat, whole parts just taken out, you know? Because in places it's frickin golden, it really is, and then it gets a little too much.

    Some minor playings, too, say with the first part, something like this:

    The black streams ripple your name tonight.
    Your smile carelessly drifts down the brook,
    [A lotus flower.]

    It’s in this stillness that the pebbles
    Offer their prayers [to] you.
    They’re innocent that way[,]
    Like a child attempting to grasp the sun.

    If I were able to redeem
    The giggles from [your throat]
    Like a cavalcade, I’d charge the dark purple
    [Of your consciousness;]
    Where revelation is suspended between the soul and sadness;
    There[,] where the larks are free.

    I sort of feel that there were too many ofs is that part--and what your saying is tremendous, it doesn't need that clutter.

    And that comma, after there, so there's a light pause, you know?

    Giggles. I'm unsure about that word, here. I don't know why. But as I read it I thought Oh, he said giggles--instead of losing more conscious thought like that in the reading.

    And seriously, I almost want you to stop right there, with where the larks are free, because there's something so wonderfully bouyant balanced against something bleak, it makes for a potent finish.

    But that's silly, because there is a lot of goodness in what follows, too. I think the thing is that a lot of what follows takes away from that line, the tone of that first part--hence what I said about losing whole chunks of this.

    Tonight I would that we were Lorikeets
    Soaring into the nothingness of tomorrow.
    Do not fear oblivion, my [love][.]
    It’s just a [heteronym] for romance…
    At the [moon's core]

    Lies our amalgamation---

    Ok, so I've switched it to love because it dear felt a little, well, to be honest, almost patronising. Love works better with the tone of this, I think. I've put that heteronym in brackets because it's too harsh, here, I think. So I'm sorta feeling that a softer word would be better, less newsreadery, you know? And I got rid of marauder completely, because I think it's wise to pick your moments with when you are going for the ornate--here, it feels overdone, overcooked, you know? Sometimes it's good to let the meaning do the talking.

    I also nixed the exclamation, so it's a rolling sentence, that first line of this part. It just feels smoother, to me. Though that could really be a personal preference thing, I think that's pretty open.

    I'd completely lose the part about stars--maybe recycle into another write, as I think it's worth keeping, or the ideas expressed there, but again, it feels a little patronising, you know? And I think it's unnecessary, too. Sort of takes away from the more bouyant, childlike aspects of this--and that's where I think the strength of this piece lies, you know?

    Tonight I would that we were seraphs
    Consumed by a quasar,
    As we kindle the earth with our [iridescence].

    I want a line break between seraphs and consumed, purely so it mirrors the part about Lorikeets, adds a technical depth, or something (too much coffee, sorry).

    And I went for 'as we'-- something grammar-wise there didn't add up, quite, I felt that that 'as we' is better, both grammar wise and for the transition. And iridescence. Hmm. I just don't think it makes for a good end. Or something.

    Sorry this is so dry--my head's not working so well at the moment.

    I guess my main thing is that part about the stars-- either a rephrase to sound less smug, or a recycle into another piece. Either way, keep it and use it, it's good, just not so much in keeping with the rest of this, you know?

    But I'm digging a lot here, too-- there's something quite compelling about the tone in places, and think with some tightening you could get that all the way through. It speaks to me of purity, I think, or maybe a feeling of being pure in love, in that context. And there's a yearning, too, which rings through this.

    It's mostly good stuff. Let me know when or if you make edits and I'll come back with more thoughts.

    Take care,

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Where revelation is suspended between the soul and sadness;
    There were the larks are free.

    did you mean "There where the larks are free"?
    I was unable to understand that line.

    But overall this is wonderfully written and I see what you mean by imagery. This piece easily paints a picture like a still life. It's gorgeous.

    I love that you addressed that there is a difference between the stars being happy and content. Oh, if the stars were happy it the rant would be worth it, wouldn't it?

    I've been reading The Tale of the Body Thief and your work does remind me of the work of one who is wise beyond their years, and it's refreshing to see this. I haven't written or read poetry in so long, starting with reading this as I'm coming back to it gives me hope.
    | Posted on 2010-07-05 00:00:00 | by Belle Tragedie | [ Reply to This ]
      Tonight! I would that we were Lorikeets
    Soaring into the nothingness of tomorrow.
    Do not fear oblivion, my dear,
    It’s just a heteronym for romance…
    At the core of the marauder moon

    Lies our amalgamation---

    If you must! --- Then rant against the stars.
    Demand to know of their happiness. But the
    Stars are not happy, mi amor, they’re
    Content; like a martyr, there’s a difference.

    Among the pantomime of the pantheon
    My fugacious words rise like wax wings;
    They’ve melted and Puddle around your feet.

    Tonight I would that we were seraphs consumed by a quasar,
    And kindle the earth with our iridescence.


    This section is transparently passionate and focused, JP (and the aside directed at the stars explaining the difference between happiness and contentment is probably the focal point of the entire work). you may not feel comfortable with this, but it is quite good.

    Just my thoughts.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2010-07-02 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]


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