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    dots Submission Name: Drakedots

    Author: Draumrkopa
    ASL Info:    23/F/buy da coffee shop
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 225/93/22
    Words: 130
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 1762
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 815

       Tsun tsun dere tsun dere tsun tsun...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Sing, sing, sing
    Why won't you sing for me?
    We used to laugh, we used to share.
    Why won't you sing for me?
    I look beyond, I look for you.
    Are you still there?

    Is it real? Is it real?
    What I felt...
    What I knew...
    When we sang, I felt such joy.
    Why won't you sing for me?

    Now I cry, for all that was lost,
    For all I can't find anymore...
    Why won't you sing for me?
    I cry for all the things I can't say.
    You've left me lonely...
    Why won't you sing for me?

    They say, change is hard
    But a day may come
    When my heart doesn't ache
    With your absence.
    For now, I sing alone
    And wait for your return.

    Submitted on 2010-07-03 12:55:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Throughout your piece you repeat a line I am sure doesn't belong to you originally.

    "Why won't you sing for me?"

    I also see no point in its use. In fact everywhere you used it it served one purpose: to break harmony. That line is also generic, which is disgusting.

    Another thing I am concerned about is how arrogant your character can be.

    A person is lost because their lover is lost.
    That person then stands around asking for help by COMMANDING their song be sung. or is it heard?

    once I finished reading this clingy marathon I was able to inhale. make of that what you will.

    | Posted on 2012-10-31 00:00:00 | by stellartotem | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Jacoby there. The barebones, pure and simple writing is what gets me. I love how much of yourself you leave in everything you write, my dear, and I hope more writers catch onto this. It draws me, in and makes me feel like I might know you - or maybe even know/understand the meaning and story behind every write you do.

    I am so glad to come back and see your work. It has been far too long since we have talked and caught up. Keep up the good work my lovely!
    | Posted on 2010-09-16 00:00:00 | by stefhy | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this write for its lyric-like qualities. Did you write it while strumming? I think it would be great sung, and it is about music and singing anyway. Good job here, I did enjoy it. Ted.
    | Posted on 2010-08-03 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]
      First of all, congratulations, M! You did it. You wrote something quite lovely and worth every bit of time and effort you put into it. I read this through once and I have to say it read more as a straight poem than anything else. But now as I read it for a second, third, even fourth time, I can really see that lyrical pull to the line/word repetition and language and structure. In fact, it really reminds me of that mockingbird lullaby, the one where Mama will buy a diamond ring if that bird donít sing, and so on and so forth. It has a type of lulling feel to it, a rhythm which soothes as well as saddens. For thatís what this piece transmits the most: sadness and loss and an empty place where something once was.

    Not that I was expecting a happy piece or anything, but this really does do away with any sort of optimism or positivity. Even the last line, although hinting that there may be a return of what youíve lost, you couple it with a heart ache and saying ĎI sing aloneí, very much putting that emphasis on your loneliness. So ultimately I came away from reading with a very disheartened and saddened outlook. Iím pretty sure both those feelings were what you were trying to convey so to be able to transmit them so well to your audience I can only praise you on.

    I think Iíve told you before how I like the bare-bones quality to your writing. Youíre very to-the-point and blunt about what youíre expressing. I do like that no-nonsense approach; itís almost refreshing in the current climate of being obscure and surreal and experimental with writing that we see so often these days. But I do feel like you could have explored a little deeper into that emotional well I can see pooled under the surface of all this. I just want to see you drill into it and stand back while it all geysers out. Donít be afraid of what you write, or think too much about whatís being let out, just write down each and every thought in whatever form it comes in and see what you have by the time all that bottled up emotion has finished erupting. It would be amazing to see, I think.

    As it stands, I think youíve really had a wonderful start with this, and Iím so glad you managed to yank these words out of yourself and get them down and submit them. I actually feel very proud of you right now.

    Thank you for sharing, M.

    | Posted on 2010-07-03 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]

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