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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Journal: July Fifth dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 608
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 757



    Description:
       my mind is constantly moving in various directions.



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJournal: July Fifth dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I

    what is life? - but
    a mere succession of incessant seconds
    perched upon listless breath.

    death comes as a barn owl;
    dull and imperceptible.

    II

    My tongue is a spider
    Spinning a web of words;

    Beware,
    Beware!

    III

    Wonder is: the birth of morning
    which rises in the soul---

    A sun knotted within a cradle of bone,
    flaring like a child's pudgy fist;

    The caterpillar at evening,
    meandering as an awkward wave;

    A cherub tabernacled in a Chrysalis cathedral;
    the face of God revealed in a quark---
    A fierce Phoenix thrashing





    Submitted on 2010-07-05 08:44:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      Your opening here is seriously killer. It has a lot of weight.

    Owls are such ominous creatures, and your personification of death (animification? is that a word?!) as a barn owl, is very apt. I like the specific of barn owl, as opposed to owl. It adds further interest interest to the image, and sharpens it. And they are the dullest owls, aren't they? I've heard them described as ghostly, and I guess imperceptible takes that further, deepens that idea and makes it your own.

    The sonics in your opening line, too: succession of incessent seconds are really great. It shows thought, and due care, and it pays off- that line just lilts.

    It's a bleak start, and I like how your further parts mix it up with some more images.

    The direct warning to us- Beware/Beware! furthers the immediacy of your first part, and makes it more acute. I like, also, that you're warning us against your words while knowing that we'll read it. It's a little contrary. I dig that.

    I'm in agreement with Em and Alia regarding the more mythical imagery- it feels too abrupt, that shift, to me, and makes me aware that I am a person reading a poem while really I want to have lost myself in what came before for a little longer.

    Your opening line in part three: I like how that recalls your opening line in part one, and answers it, in a way. It keeps this tight, focused.

    ...knotted in a cage of bone... really struck me, I find that line quite glorious.

    And the awkward caterpilar. I have a thang for caterpilars. They're cute in how ungraceful they are. It makes them seem so innocent. And that juxtaposes well with the child's pudgy fist. And adds some life to this; so it's not bleak, not all bleak. But stark, throughout.

    I hope you didn't mind my input. I guess I figured I'd jump right in!

    Take care,

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I love the imagery throughout, John-Paul. Especially p. III. If it isn't evident to you already, imagery in writing is definitely something I cherish.

    The only thing I can suggest here is to refine. It comes across as a little sloppy due to seemingly haphazard capitalization and such. This poem is beautiful, why not spend the extra few minutes to present it right?


    I
    [space here]
    what is life? - but
    a mere succession of incessant seconds
    perched upon listless breath.

    death comes as a barn owl;
    dull and imperceptible.

    II
    [space here]
    My tongue is a spider
    [spinning] a web of words;

    Beware,
    Beware!

    III
    [space here]
    Wonder is: the birth of morning
    [which] rises in the soul---

    A sun knotted within a cage of bone,
    [flaring] [like] a child’s pudgy fist;

    The caterpillar at evening,
    [meandering] as an awkward wave;

    A cherub tabernacled in a Chrysalis cathedral;
    [the] face of God revealed in a quark---
    A fierce Phoenix thrashing…


    See brackets. The beginnings of some of the lines, lower-case...that's totally personal preference. So completely up to you. I left the capitalization of p. I alone since it [aesthetically/visually] goes hand-in-hand with its tone/content. I agree that the God/phoenix part can be a poem all on its own -- fleshed out and worked with as its own idea, of course.

    I hope you haven't taken offense. I feel free when I comment on your work because you have urged and encouraged this freedom from me. These are all opinions, anyway. Also, I'd like to say:

    You have a lot going for you. If you keep writing, keep honing, keep believing in yourself...your writing will evolve so much. I can sense it.

    Truly.

    Alia
    | Posted on 2010-07-08 00:00:00 | by O | [ Reply to This ]
      You really should end this with Part III and let the rest exist as a stand alone, JP. This is the spontaneity I mentioned earlier - don't dress it up, let the words speak for themselves.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      So much imagery. I am in love with this. Everything I picture is wonderful, any my brain is crying out like a child, "I want more."

    I read this aloud after stumbling through the first couple lines in silence. I feel I decipher more when it is heard. The language was fun, and your tone projected well through the vocabulary chosen.

    I & II are quite possibly my favorite parts of this piece, possibly because I like things stated simply. Simplicity is often beauty. But that would be a mere statement. I love everything about III.

    This is my favorite line of the entire work: "Flaring Like a child’s pudgy fist[.]"
    -Words cannot describe my reasoning, I am not even sure myself. However, this line has so much power, it captured my attention the most throughout my reading. It might have been the imagery. That description is so perfectly concise.

    I shall probably read more if you have more posted.

    All the best,
    C.J.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]
      If my memory does not deceive me, I think that I read that first part in your journal the other day. I remember liking it, too, having an affinity for owls -- and birds in general, really. But owls, don't they seem like such harbingers of truth and fate?

    And that was so adequately portrayed in part I.

    I enjoyed the continuation of earthly-bestial imagery in parts II and II, but the deviation into mythological took away from the piece as a whole. Don't get me wrong, the stanza about God and the phoenix are quite stunning, as is part IV. I just felt so at home - centered in the previous realistic portrayals of earthly things, that to spin off into Gods and whatnot seemed like another poem altogether.

    I love this:

    Wonder is: the birth of morning
    Which rises in the soul---

    A sun knotted within a cage of bone,
    Flaring Like a child’s pudgy fist;

    The caterpillar at evening,
    Meandering as an awkward wave;

    . . .

    and a suggestion might be to end this poem here, and start a new one altogether with what you have written afterward, to fully let the reader ruminate on what you have presented. As you say in your journal, your mind moves in many directions and this is something to relish and make use of -- as it gives you endless possibilities and creations to work with and hone.

    A pleasure,
    Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-07-05 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      "I like this" would be an understatement; this is decidedly great. And not just great as in Elite Skills standards; I feel certain this could stand beside famous poems of the day (or the yesterday, actually) and not be found wanting.

    You strike me as an educated person. You have studied the classics and know them well, which is both refreshing and daunting at the same time. I am ashamed to say I don't know the classics as I should, but have been lately feeling the need/desire to study them in my free time. Fascinating stuff.

    But yeah, you paint wonderful pictures here... I want to say more but I'm feeling at a loss today. That this is a mere "journal" speaks volumes in itself. I liked the loose and somewhat drifting form you have used, and think its slight wandering actually adds to this rather than taking away.

    I especially love part II, so short and sweet. Though it may be eclipsed by some of the other parts, I liked the image this evoked... beware, beware!

    I'm glad to see you here. You are quickly joining my list of favourite poets on this site.

    soul-hugger

    | Posted on 2010-07-05 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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