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    dots Submission Name: fell asleep in the headlightsdots

    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 89
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1177
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 586

       about: a girl. isn't that why writing and music were invented?

    feedback: no technical critiques please. if it meant something to you or made you feel a certain way, please respond.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsfell asleep in the headlightsdots

    fell asleep in the headlights
    woke up on the other side
    broken nose, ribcage exposed
    i fell down by the wayside

    angry sun hanging high
    couldn't find sleep last nite
    words like knives, car crash goodbyes
    i settled in to the grave site

    pulled up my anchor eyes
    mistook you for a dream
    mended wounds, exhumed my tomb
    i stood up by your side

    fell deep inside your veins
    woke up with your hand in mine
    new hope, hearts exposed
    i never thought i'd find

    Submitted on 2010-07-05 14:47:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      I saw the feedback thing later. But.. I don't think that was too terribly technical. Haha.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]
      This flowed extremely well. I got through it very quickly. A proper analogy would be pouring water through a funnel, as opposed to trying to shove peanut butter that has been left out on the counter for a few days without a lid through that very same funnel. Yeah, you know exactly what I am talking about.

    That said, I am about to read it over. I like some of the rhyming. In certain places it sounds very forced. The fourth stanza lacks that third line, same line rhyming pattern it had before. It would be much better if that was fixed. You kind of expect it, and it doesn't work well with the rest of the poem. Also, side is overused. But that's just a small note. I almost wrote side note. I laughed a little and then moved on.

    To the main point, I liked this. It has a lot of potential, but I am not sure it is at its best yet. From reading it aloud, it doesn't flow quite as well as it did the first time. I think a lot of it is the rhyming and some of the words that threw me off a bit.

    The first stanza is awesome. The second could be improved. I love the imagery in the first though, I know I am jumping around, but that's the truth. Also, "anchor eyes." I just adore that description. Beautiful.

    And that's about it for now.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by Crimsonpathways | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.




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