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    dots Submission Name: Soul-Nakeddots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.09 - 366/363/154
    Words: 56
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 441
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 379

       just a little ditty i quickly wrote tonight.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    We were geysers last evening;
    Soul-naked, blushed with innocence and trembling.

    I held you like the bald sun, and
    In your face witnessed the birth of dawn.

    Your sighs were zephyrs of epiphanies sweeping across my chest---
    I caught them like solar-flares upon my raw tongue
    And swallowed.

    Submitted on 2010-07-06 23:00:25     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      okay, this is sensual as hell...what analogies and crispness....passion spews forth...

    "i held you like the bald sun/ In your face witnessed the birth of dawn"

    i wish i had said that...i love those two lines...

    reminds me a bit of Melanie Safka..."take you an apple and take you a son, watch the baby day be born"

    and to watch it be born enveloped in the arms, the passionate embrace of another---

    this takes me back to some times i will never forget...etched in my memory like the deeply etched lines in this poem.

    | Posted on 2011-05-14 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely John-Paul. It had an elaborate tone, like many of your pieces, but there's a subtlety about it, too, which makes that elaborateness feel all the more natural.

    Geysers is a great word.

    And zephyrs of epiphanies is a great phrase- it harks back to that trembling, which is the kind of narrative trick that keeps a poem tight.

    I also think that the innocent could be missed out-- it feels too easy, and it is implied throughout the write.

    I'm also uncertain about snowflakes. The image is lovely, but how it juxtaposes with geysers and bald suns makes this feel a little looser. Perhaps you could come up with a similar image which also implies heat? or even rain, like the fountain-- but the coldness of a snowflake, I feel it too acutely.

    The abruptness of And swallowed is great, it shows a real intimacy, and I think there's a natural verve in that line. It's a less ornate ending, and it balances this well.

    I guess that's the trick with writing: getting a good balance of the ornate, the colloquial, the subtle. And I think you've done it here.

    Truly, a lovely little ditty :)

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2011-02-09 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Soul-naked is excellent. I like what it conjures up in the mind and emotions. And the rest of the poem too. It is striking the right balance. It has very accessible undertones -- that sense of another's being in accordance to their own, how it can change the very structure of things -- but the overtones are enough to reach beyond into the unrealized, as with your imagery of the sun and wind and snow.

    Such lines as: "In your face I witnessed the birth of dawn" also make for an instantly realized but still powerful impression.

    Couple o' thoughts:

    "Soul-naked, blushed with innocence and trembling" -- "innocence" is a bit obvious, but maybe just:

    "Soul-naked, blushed with [adjective] trembling" -- trembling implies unknowing/the unsure and in relation with blushed provokes an idea of innocence. Maybe "sweet trembling" or "soft trembling" to further implicate.


    "I held you like the bald sun, and
    In your face witnessed the birth of dawn." -- took out the second "I", just think it flows better.

    Sorry to be nit-picky. bleh. This is great; effective and duly felt.

    | Posted on 2010-07-07 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      I think you're really beginning to grasp spontaneity, JP. It's these "little ditties" that are the core of effective writing.
    | Posted on 2010-07-06 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]

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