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    dots Submission Name: Enemy *REVISED*dots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/380
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Rant/Angry
    Total Views: 397
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 686

       On Dec 24th I decided to end my pain end my life for my step father who has paid someone to end it for me. I choose to how to go... 12 gauge to my stomach... I fail miserably

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnemy *REVISED*dots

    If I knew every event to occur
    Had I known of all my true suicidal feelings
    or even my addictive personality...
    Could one have been prevented?
    Therefore stopping the unraveling of this life!

    I hate these feelings from within
    My heart aches from emptiness
    My head throbs with pain

    These scars remain with me
    People only know what I tell them
    I long to believe the lies
    So I press on, repeating time & time again
    Yet deep down I know these scars are made from my worst enemy...


    Needless to say I know my fate...
    One day I will be my own demise

    Submitted on 2010-07-08 06:41:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i really like the emotions behind this poem, they ring very loudly, clearly and realistically. i would suggest parsing down the line lengths and get straight to the points that will really impact a reader. So a line like:
    If I knew of all the events that have occurred
    could become: If I knew every event to occur
    and a line like:
    Could have any one of these events been prevented?
    could be: Could one have been prevented?

    you have real impact here because of your resolution, its a sad resolution, you seem resigned to your suicide (which i can relate to, but remember you are so much stronger than you realize and your writing, if it really means a lot to you, can give you real purpose when you feel down). if you really focus on he intent of the poem and make each word, each line work towards that intent you will have something very impressive here.

    if you decide to do a rewrite i would love to have a look. hope this was helpful and thanks for the words on the Untitled piece, its only untitled cause i honestly can't think of a name for it, suggestions are welcome. thanks again -roy
    | Posted on 2010-07-08 00:00:00 | by roycureton | [ Reply to This ]

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