[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Enemy *REVISED*dots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/380
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Rant/Angry
    Total Views: 384
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 686

       On Dec 24th I decided to end my pain end my life for my step father who has paid someone to end it for me. I choose to how to go... 12 gauge to my stomach... I fail miserably

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnemy *REVISED*dots

    If I knew every event to occur
    Had I known of all my true suicidal feelings
    or even my addictive personality...
    Could one have been prevented?
    Therefore stopping the unraveling of this life!

    I hate these feelings from within
    My heart aches from emptiness
    My head throbs with pain

    These scars remain with me
    People only know what I tell them
    I long to believe the lies
    So I press on, repeating time & time again
    Yet deep down I know these scars are made from my worst enemy...


    Needless to say I know my fate...
    One day I will be my own demise

    Submitted on 2010-07-08 06:41:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i really like the emotions behind this poem, they ring very loudly, clearly and realistically. i would suggest parsing down the line lengths and get straight to the points that will really impact a reader. So a line like:
    If I knew of all the events that have occurred
    could become: If I knew every event to occur
    and a line like:
    Could have any one of these events been prevented?
    could be: Could one have been prevented?

    you have real impact here because of your resolution, its a sad resolution, you seem resigned to your suicide (which i can relate to, but remember you are so much stronger than you realize and your writing, if it really means a lot to you, can give you real purpose when you feel down). if you really focus on he intent of the poem and make each word, each line work towards that intent you will have something very impressive here.

    if you decide to do a rewrite i would love to have a look. hope this was helpful and thanks for the words on the Untitled piece, its only untitled cause i honestly can't think of a name for it, suggestions are welcome. thanks again -roy
    | Posted on 2010-07-08 00:00:00 | by roycureton | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bond written by saartha
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Linger written by saartha
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Push written by JanePlane
    Brigit written by endlessgame23
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Life changes in a moment written by Ramneet
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Incubus written by monad
    written by Daniel Barlow
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    untitled written by Chelebel
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]