[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Enemy *REVISED*dots

    Author: jackz
    ASL Info:    24/F/OH
    Elite Ratio:    3.76 - 591/622/378
    Words: 110
    Class/Type: Rant/Angry
    Total Views: 369
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 686

       On Dec 24th I decided to end my pain end my life for my step father who has paid someone to end it for me. I choose to how to go... 12 gauge to my stomach... I fail miserably

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnemy *REVISED*dots

    If I knew every event to occur
    Had I known of all my true suicidal feelings
    or even my addictive personality...
    Could one have been prevented?
    Therefore stopping the unraveling of this life!

    I hate these feelings from within
    My heart aches from emptiness
    My head throbs with pain

    These scars remain with me
    People only know what I tell them
    I long to believe the lies
    So I press on, repeating time & time again
    Yet deep down I know these scars are made from my worst enemy...


    Needless to say I know my fate...
    One day I will be my own demise

    Submitted on 2010-07-08 06:41:45     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i really like the emotions behind this poem, they ring very loudly, clearly and realistically. i would suggest parsing down the line lengths and get straight to the points that will really impact a reader. So a line like:
    If I knew of all the events that have occurred
    could become: If I knew every event to occur
    and a line like:
    Could have any one of these events been prevented?
    could be: Could one have been prevented?

    you have real impact here because of your resolution, its a sad resolution, you seem resigned to your suicide (which i can relate to, but remember you are so much stronger than you realize and your writing, if it really means a lot to you, can give you real purpose when you feel down). if you really focus on he intent of the poem and make each word, each line work towards that intent you will have something very impressive here.

    if you decide to do a rewrite i would love to have a look. hope this was helpful and thanks for the words on the Untitled piece, its only untitled cause i honestly can't think of a name for it, suggestions are welcome. thanks again -roy
    | Posted on 2010-07-08 00:00:00 | by roycureton | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    The Poems Death written by Mepoduo
    Shi written by ShyOne
    untitled written by ShyOne
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Suffer The Children written by poetotoe
    Records I written by Raphael
    Dream written by closetpoet
    i've missed written by mysalvation
    to Be like written by KeeperOfLight
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    phantom limbs written by expiring_touch
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Things They (Don't) Say written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (1) written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]