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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Electra's Elegy (reformatteddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 377
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 704



    Description:
       i took another couple of minutes to fill this "hot minute" piece out a little. i dont know what to think of this. it is written for a favorite poet. (hint) the form of this piece is meant to be erratically focused...

    p.s. elegy is not used in the strictest form.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsElectra's Elegy (reformatteddots
    -------------------------------------------


    through torn
    venetian blinds, the

    yew moon cascades
    across Electra’s

    Supple form: the
    Yowl of black roses, a

    Lithostrotum opus--- anamorphosis
         in three anastrophe, a

    Variable star smoldering
         amid nebulae, the

    Imago dei banished to
         the labyrinth of the mind;

    An elegy etched with
         angels’ tongue:

                  Amor fati.




    Submitted on 2010-07-11 09:21:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Gah, can I just ditto daniel and say this is good?

    Yup. It's good.

    One super minor nit: be consistent with your capitalisation of words. I know, I'm being annoyed, but it's the kind of thing I notice when reading, and I'd rather be thinking about the words, or less than that, feeling them. And it detracts. It does. I know it's spelling out Sylvia, I do, but still..

    I want to pick out the same part he did for how [censored] glorious it is. Like, sonically, it's a dream. I had to stop and read it aloud. Man alive, it was good stuff.

    Your opening, too-- through torn venetian blinds. I'm digging the specificity of venetian, and the drabness of torn, how very human that makes your opening, you know? And it lacks your ornateness, it does, and what follows, it's like you ease us into it, it's a lovely balance. And maybe a trick worth holding on to, in that it makes your voice stronger.

    I'm just writing a piece with the word yowl in it. It's an excellent word, it is. And the idea of black roses yowling-- I think, how soft the actual words and sounds are, compared to what you're saying, how dark and potent that is. Well, it's cool. It makes for a nice juxtaposition. And it's gothic (I know Em said that, I'll just ditto her too, if that's ok).

    Nebulae-- again, a great word. Underused, I think, along with cumulus and other such beauties. And the rhyme with nebulae/mind is good. Subtle, but makes for a rhythmic build up, you know?

    And (sorry for jumping back a bit) the moon cascading is lovely. Makes me think of waterfalls of light. I love making light a solid. I have a thang for that type of thing. It adds quirk, I think. And gets people thinking in a new way.

    I'm also particularly liking how this starts so small and detailed, with the blinds, and then looks out to the sky, to the world (roses) and then god, and angels. It makes for a solid read, solid transitions.

    K, I am just blithering in an unhelpful fashion. I'll stop. :)
    | Posted on 2011-03-06 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Lithostrotum opus--- anamorphosis
    in three anastrophe, a

    this one is good jp, the above is excellent sonically. people who know multiple languages make their own luck.

    i really like this one.
    | Posted on 2011-03-04 00:00:00 | by theludus | [ Reply to This ]
      I once went to this writing workshop. I was very out of place because it never occurred to me that poetry could be broken down into such steps. As though you can fill in the spaces to write a poem.

    But anyway, one exercise was to write a series of interconnected similes that moved from one to the next. For one reason or another, this reminded me of that, how it moves from one representative image to the next, intrinsically apart.

    I also like the way you use "a" and "the" at the end of a line. It creates a hanging pause before the next line that is very interesting and gives movement to the piece that otherwise would not be there.

    I also find the imagery very suiting of an elegy: what with the torn venetian blinds, moon, black roses (always been fond of the word "yowl"), star smoldering, etc. It sets a tone that is lustrous and gothic.

    I have two suggestions. The first pertains to the poem's form. I think that couplets would suit it right and as you start off with them, it would also make sense to continue using them. Again, for pause/progress and also aesthetics.

    The second is the final line, the usage of "Amore Fati" -- the three dashes in such close proximity don't seem right and still don't give that finality, that impact, that I think you were trying to go for (at least I thought). I put a suggestion at the end:

    *

    through torn
    venetian blinds, the

    yew moon cascades
    across Electra’s

    Supple form: the
    Yowl of black roses, a

    Lithostrotum opus--- anamorphosis
    in three anastrophe, a

    Variable star smoldering
    amid nebulae, the

    Imago dei banished to
    the labyrinth of the mind;

    An elegy etched with
    angels’ tongue:

    Amor fati.

    *

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, this poem is totally erratic, so you did a great job. You can see that it is an elegy poem, from you fine metaphor black roses, but my best figure of speech here is that your wonderful personification in an elegy etched with angels’ tongue. Nice poem
    Medhat
    | Posted on 2010-07-11 00:00:00 | by Duke Medhat | [ Reply to This ]


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