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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Symbiotic (revised)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 228
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 615
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1668



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSymbiotic (revised)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Tonight

    we gaze into the face of the firmament,
    to find ourselves
    In the subtle places between the stars,
    in the narrow expanse
    Where they spread their wings and reve for twilight;
    Our bodies constellations colliding,
    becoming a galaxy,
    The embers which ignite evening.
    There in the darkness,
    amid the secrets of the sequoia;
    Swallowed by the moon---

    You blush with my raw nakedness,
    And gasp at the abundance of my vine.

    Your gilded thighs taste of apples after the storm.
    I tenderly tear the delicate fruit;
    juices cascade like waterfalls
    over the cleft of my chin,
    and linger upon my lips as moans and mute tones,

    -a sonnet etched in time-

    At dawn your supple body
    yields to my touch like wildflowers bend
    with the ethereal breath of morning.
    My mouth forming around your alabaster breast;
    Cusps Engraved with my craving tongue.
    Your pink poppy lips moisten with anticipation,
    And flower before me.
    Flushed---
    you wince with pleasure;
    The stallion plowing your vineyard deeply,
    and deeper still,
    Until the harvest flows dark purple,
    And our stained throats sigh with intoxication.

    With each breath I expulse you
    only to draw you closer with soft wisp.
    Your pulse pollinates within my veins,
    your essence takes root Intracellularly;
    every blossom a Ballard to your name.

    Solstice of symbiotic souls---




    Submitted on 2010-07-11 18:40:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Let me get this out of the way first.

    Symbotic = Symbiotic?

    Reve = ?

    body’s = bodies'

    --------

    Anyway, what I like about this is the feeling of grandeur. I like how you allowed the bravado of your words to emit the image that the movement between the two of you is a remarkable meshing of cogs in the Universal clock.

    On an aural perspective, I also like your alliterations. Majority of the ones that stuck with me were tastefully done.

    I noticed that your word choices shed light to both the divine and the animalistic natures of the two personas you were writing about. I think I would've enjoyed it more if you committed to only one instead of both because sometimes, some of the words feel out of place for me as a reader.

    But of course I wouldn't be surprised if your choice also has virtues of its from a personal perspective so I can definitely respect that.

    Personally, I would've done the intro this way...

    Tonight

    we gaze into the face of the firmament,
    to find ourselves in the subtle places
    between the stars.

    I would've done it this way because I think it makes the movement of the piece more dynamic. It doesn't just start with a seemingly forceful jolt that remains constant as it moves to the already extroverted body of the piece. This kind of intro allows you to ease the idea that expands half way.

    But then again, that's just my preference. I wouldn't be surprised if you're reading this piece in a different way.

    I hope I made sense. If not, I apologize.
    | Posted on 2010-10-14 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful images and I can feel it, having been in love with someone who lived far away. It reminds me that love is its own reward and having loved as deeply as you describe is its own gift.

    And what is better than living in the dreams of one's mind with a loved one?

    Priceless, thanks for bringing me here to read.

    Nan
    | Posted on 2010-07-17 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW!! you did a tremendous job!!! thank you...

    you actually hit close to my original format and arrangement.your edit is pretty much what my editor has suggested. Alia, is always telling me to have confidence, but i always double guess and sometimes i lose the piece a bit.

    i appreciate the effort involved. im pretty sure i will revise like you have here. thanx.

    -john-paul
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      ~a sonnet etched in time~

    You can easily add this to the previous line just by adding a comma. You already have mentions that could relate to the sonnet metaphor.

    I love how you notice me, noticing you,

    A little on the 80s music side, like wedding band music. Not a great opener.

    I would re-arrange this poem completely. Something like this (I hope you don't mind):

    Tonight we gaze into the face of the firmament,
    to find ourselves
    In the subtle places between the stars,
    in the narrow expanse
    Where they spread their wings and rev for twilight;
    Our body’s constellations colliding,
    becoming a galaxy,
    The embers which ignite evening,
    There in the darkness,
    amid the secrets of the sequoia;
    Swallowed by the moon.

    You still blush with my raw nakedness,
    And gasp at the abundance of my vine.

    Your gilded thighs taste of apples after the rain.
    I tenderly tear the delicate fruit;
    juices cascade like waterfalls
    over the cleft of my chin,
    and linger upon my lips as moans and mute tones,
    a sonnet etched in time.

    At dawn your supple body
    yields to my touch like wildflowers bend
    with the ethereal breath of morning.
    My mouth forming around your alabaster breast;
    Cusps Engraved with my craving tongue.
    Your pink poppy lips moisten with anticipation,
    And flower before me.
    Flushed---
    you wince with pleasure;
    The stallion plowing your vineyard deeply,
    and deeper still,
    Until the harvest flows dark purple,
    And our tainted throats sigh with intoxication.

    With each breath I expulse you
    only to draw you closer with soft wisp.
    Your pulse pollinates within my veins,
    your essence takes root Intracellularly;
    every blossom a Ballard to your name.

    Solstice of symbiotic souls---


    I really hope I didn't completely destroy your poem. Honestly, with the very decorated sensory images you have here, I'd do my best to salvage it.
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]
      Jen, i plan to revise the openings of the stanzas and do a lot of polishing. this was only an experiment and a first draft. thanx
    | Posted on 2010-07-11 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't really see a need to have any more formatting to it. I mean, I don't know what formatting you have in mind but it's really just fine like this.

    There shouldn't be all those ellipses at the end of your stanzas. I mean, this is all the same train of thought. The same person is in mind and it's not like there's more to say, because you ended the poem (with an ellipse!! No!), so the ellipses should be removed.

    Not sure why every stanza starts with "I love." We understand you love this woman, and I'm sure that just writing this, she understands you love her. But you don't need the repetition and it would sound a lot more engaging if there wasn't those repeating openings.

    It sounds a little like vows. Some pretty erotic ones, but still, very "pretty," eloquent, revealing, honest and genuine. All that romantic stuff someone would love to have for their own, or dedicated to them. Very priceless descriptions here like "pink poppies" (my favorite) and "thighs taste like apples after the rain." Very sensual imagery.
    | Posted on 2010-07-11 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]


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