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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sabesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Dark Dann
    ASL Info:    18/ Male/ San Diego
    Elite Ratio:    6.44 - 78/67/53
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 933
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 1192



    Description:
       First stanza in spanish:
    "You know I love you
    Forgive me
    I don't know how to live without you
    I love you
    Forgive me
    Im dying here without you"

    Second spanish stanza: "I love you, come back again.
    For I am dying without you.
    I love you, god forgive me
    I don't know how to breath if you're not here"

    Third: "You know, I don't want anything else
    But have you in my arms
    I never stop thinking
    That you still are
    Completely mine, in all reality."

    Fourth:

    "But it hurts, to face the truth
    That you were never meant for me.
    But it hurts, to face reality.
    For there never was a day without you.
    But not it's not the same
    You left with him.
    And here I was left.
    And here I was left.
    And here, I'll die"


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSabesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Sabes que te amo
    Perdoname
    Que no se vivir sin ti
    Te amo
    Perdoname
    Que me estoy...
    Muriendo sin ti.

    Twisted fate; my heart's askew
    Yet I can't seem to live without you.
    Yet I'm alone
    Just so you know;

    I scarred your name on my chest
    I said I'd do anything if you'd be impressed
    Please be impressed

    I'd go so far to please
    But I bet you don't even care at all.
    Such pretty words I'd feed you
    But I know you wouldn't care at all.

    Te amo, vuelve otra vez
    Que yo me muero sin ti
    Te amo, dios perdoname
    Ya no se respirar, si tu ya no estas

    Sabes, no quiero nada mas
    Te tener en mis brasos
    No me dejo de pensar
    Que eres todavia
    Mia, entera en realidad.

    Pero duelo, saber la verdad
    Que tu nunca eras para mi
    Pero duelo, ver la realidad
    Nunca ubo un dia sin ti
    Pero haci ya no es
    ya te fueste con el.
    Y Aqui me quede.
    Y aqui me quede.
    Y aqui...
    Me morire.




    Submitted on 2010-07-12 19:37:24     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      The message is fairly nice. Somehow I thought that a bilingual poem would help make the piece more intense in order to have a powerful impact on the reader and the person you address this to. Nonetheless, I felt a certain lack of passion in the write itself which might hinge upon wording. I think that at times the poem was slightly tacky and it did fail to move me. I reckon I've always been demanding with people who dare write about love. I've consider that if you want to write about it should be with fire and blood which should be planted in any given piece dealing with the subject.

    There are some other details too. For instance in stanza three you seems to be imploring, in a none - too subtle way, someone to take you back or to be impressed. There was something odd about the last line of that stanza, I can't really tell what it was ... maybe it was the fact that it sounds kind of like you knew that that person wouldn't accept but you still insisted ....

    As for stanza 6, there are a few things you need to iron out. For example:

    Sabes, no quiero nada mas
    Te tener en mis brasos
    No me dejo de pensar
    Que eres todavia
    Mia, entera en realidad.

    "Te" in the second line should be "que" and the line break in the line 4 could be improved the following way:

    "Que eres todavia mia,
    entera en realidad"

    As to the last stanza, there are a couple of typos scattered about. You might need to brush them off.

    Pero duelo, saber la verdad
    Que tu nunca eras para mi
    Pero duelo, ver la realidad
    Nunca ubo un dia sin ti
    Pero haci ya no es
    ya te fueste con el.
    Y Aqui me quede.
    Y aqui me quede.
    Y aqui...
    Me morire.

    The word "duelo" in line 1 and 3 should be "duele". Likewise the word "ubo" - I believe - should be "hubo", the word "fueste" needs to be replaced by "fuiste" and finally, with the regards to the ending I guess it would sound better if you erased "me"

    Well, I hope you don't think I'm being haughty, I was just trying to help by being honest. And all I brought up were merely suggestions. It's just one person's opinion so don't take it all that seriously.


    Keep on writing
    warm regards,

    Ethan
    | Posted on 2010-07-19 00:00:00 | by Ethan Brody | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece. It was interesting how you transition from spanish to english and conveyed the pain and desperate plea for love in both languages.

    Personally I feel poetry is best written in spanish. It just feel rich and deep in emotion, like its coming from the soul.

    To me it felt like the spanish bits were the pleas, the stuff you said aloud. The English bits were just you explaining like a barb telling a story....

    thanks for the great read.

    Andrea
    | Posted on 2010-07-13 00:00:00 | by ladydeathstrike | [ Reply to This ]


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