[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Sometimesdots

    Author: blankscreen
    ASL Info:    22/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222/196/163
    Words: 79
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 601
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 597

       I used to sing songs to myself when no one was around and I just picked it back up recently, when times get tough its a good escape. This has a certain beat but still needs work, let me know what you think.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Panic Attacks
    Take a spliff
    Throw it back

    Drink down miracles
    smoke away dreams
    tell me I'm the girl
    I wasn't meant to be

    Panic Attacks
    Take a spliff
    Throw it back

    Never erase time
    The way time was meant to be
    We're history in the making
    And its going down the drain

    Panic Attacks
    take a spliff
    throw it back

    The truth about forever is
    It wasn't meant to be

    Submitted on 2010-07-12 21:11:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The thing about the rhythm in this piece is that is oscillates quite a lot (at least the way I'm reading it). I could easily see the part in-between the refrain being sung all slow and bluesy just because of the way it's written, and the subject... it seems kind of nostalgic, seeking to make others appreciate the tragedy of life's situation. The refrain, however, seems like something a camp councilor would utter, all attentive and on the ball, holding people's hands looking around to spread the energy. I understand the nature of their presence, and to be honest, they work quite well towards that purpose.. but I think the shortness of the slow bits and the generally even-spread between those two parts is.. distracting?

    Generally when I read "lyrics" (not that you've called these as much, but I'm making the assumption here given your contextual foreground) I can't really relate them to music well, but this I definitely can. Which, I hope, is a really good thing. But without that musical component to frame the rhythm with a melody, the bit I mentioned is kind of too present to be ignored. It's kind of like hearing partisans arguing two stereotypical point of views over the intelligentsia who're trying to have a serious conversation.

    and I don't know quite why, but I feel like the title would benefit from you adding a space between the two words. "some times" -- I suppose it would be to avoid having the title be a precursor to the snappy rhythm.

    Then again, I could be reading this all whacked up. It is 7 in the morning where I grew up.

    | Posted on 2010-07-29 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (3) written by endlessgame23
    Lilitu written by endlessgame23
    Journey written by endlessgame23
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    Relativity written by poetotoe
    Birds of a Feather written by poetotoe
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Love written by saartha
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Shi written by ShyOne
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    I, Plutarch written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    My Four Seasons written by faideddarkness
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    The Old Mill written by Wolfwatching
    Comme un lion en avril written by Outlaw
    The Unicorn written by BlazeFlamme
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Life is moments written by Ramneet
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (5) written by endlessgame23
    Deep Into A World Of Despair written by DeathTone
    The World written by jjd
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    winners circle written by ShyOne
    Etiquette written by saartha




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]