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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Requiem for Emerald Eyes (working title)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 78
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 731
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1197



    Description:
       bleh...just wrote this. another couple of minute spontaneous write...

    dont know about the title and a couple of lines.

    Elegy for Emerald Eyes? [insert thoughts here]


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsRequiem for Emerald Eyes (working title)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Your eyes…
         They unravel me,
              Search the fallen nuances of my fibers,
    Two piercing emerald suns,
         Once rising,

                   Now

    Have set---
         Into the caverns of my mind,
              A grainy, crystallized photograph,
    Blurred by the passing
          Absence of years;

                   a

              Requiem for unrequited lips,
    Faded with the ache of breath, a
         photo worth a 1000

                   Woes.




    Submitted on 2010-07-14 12:31:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think I've read this before...

    I really like how your first stanza's vibrant imagery balances with that Now/have set. How that instantly adds a jaggedness to this, there's so much weight, like you feel burdened by those eyes. It's that italicised Now, it feels so final.

    And the intimacy of being unravelled by a pair of eyes looking, which then set, and no longer can look, or unravel, or delve you. It makes for a strong opening.

    And how you dull down that image: so we go from emerald through to a grainy photograph.

    It speaks heavily of loss, and of resignation.

    Absence of years is so godamned bleak. I'm gonna disagree with Daniel and say: I think I know this feeling that you're getting at.

    The sonics in: requiem for unrequited... are great. They make reading this feel inevitable, like your situation is inevitable. And how passive they make you sound: you have no choice in this. The eyes are there, the photograph is there, they are rooted.

    It being the lips which are unrequited- this puts a more unusual spin on what could have been trite. And it's playful, in its writing, by which I mean, you've played with a cliché, and you're brave for having the balls to do that. And it worked.

    Sonics, again, in faded...ache are lovely. And further what I mentioned before, about the inevitability.

    I'm gonna ditto Angelo, too, and say that the idea of setting in you is great.

    Having just read another of yours, I'd say this feels tighter, more complete, there's natural progress occurring.

    This is goodstuff. It struck me on first reading, and it struck me again now.

    Take care,

    Aly
    | Posted on 2011-02-07 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]
      Back for more.

    What I like most about this one is the idea of something rising from a different body and setting on yours. To me, it is a great way to describe a particular kind of beauty.

    In my case, as a reader and someone who tries to write, this piece reminds me of a time when I read a poem that really connected with me. But when I spoke to the writer who put it together, he merely stated that the piece is just a phase, a thing of beauty created in a hurry, a mere "fart-of-art." Of course, I did not hold it against him but I do not deny that it stung knowing that it might've taken me years to write something that moving.

    That kind of beauty really stings.
    | Posted on 2010-10-17 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]
      You'll never escape being a Romantic, JP. It's the intersticial tissue in your DNA, sir - you'll never cease to feel and be enraptured by words, emotion and the reflective nature of each.

    That being said, this is both more and less focused than your other writes. Is the process of spontaneity exhausting itself? May I suggest writing a series of shorter works that collectively add up to a longer work? Then you can exercise that itch to write more complex pieces while containing your thoughts in the framework of each section's limitations. Just a thought.

    You appear to have a following, btw.

    Take care.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey mr man,

    I can very rarely write something in a matter of minutes, it's good when it happens though, so I guess I'm envious of people who have that happen for them.

    I dream in your eyes…

    I like the first line, it's perhaps a bit cliché but I like the duality of it in that it could be as a result of looking into someone's eyes or more of a choice to take those eyes into the soul, I like lines that can be taken either way because they leave more for the reader.

    They unravel me,
    Search the fallen nuances of my fibers,
    Two piercing emerald suns,
    Once rising,

    Now

    I don't like the once rising/Now deal. I think it's a bit of an awkward transition, when if you just lopped off those parts the line about the emerald suns would hang there and the enjambment of have set would be quite lovely in creating immediacy.

    Have set---
    Into the caverns of my mind,
    A grainy, crystallized photograph,
    Blurred by the passing
    Absence of years;

    awhat is the passing absence of years, and I don't particularly mean to be a smartass, just that I don't think that creature exists, you're talking about absence over the years but that's not how it reads imo.

    a

    Requiem for unrequited lips,
    Faded with the ache of breath, a
    photo worth a 1000

    Woes.

    You tie the second strophe in with the third, to a point, but I'd say that, in general, there's some romantic stuff in here that sort of stands out for being romantic rather than for having earned its position in the poem, the requiem line has that feel about it, there's the feel that the phrasing is there to be pretty rather than the phrasing shoring up the poem and bringing conclusion or meaning to the lines that came before. When I read stuff like that it doesn't matter how pretty it is, it still comes across as fluff. At least it's fluff that aims to be something, but still. So, as it relates to the core of the poem, I think the last strophe needs work.

    I think your formatting looked nice, that's something too, you're aiming to create something stunning, and that's good. Content is the key.

    just some thoughts, from a guy who isn't doing much writing.

    db
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      actually, you are correct in your pondering of me.
    in fact, you're dead on!!! thats amazing how you can gather that from my writing. i seem to have an extemporaneous eloquence that is very witty. (my wit is incredibly quick). in debates, i have never lost. due partly to my analytical thinking, wit, rapid thinking on many levels at once, my oratory and my almost photographic memory.

    -john-paul
    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      I am surprised how much you can come up with in a matter of minutes. This makes me wonder if we were to meet, how you would talk. Are you a witty person, serious when necessary and not one to argue with (for the fact that you are quick on the draw, if none else?) Does this also come with a fluid eloquence, stuttered with few ummmms as you speak? Do your thoughts carry the same depth as your words?

    Anyway, my feeling was that this starts out OK, I mean, it's good, but as it keeps going, it just keeps getting better until:

    requiem for unrequited lips,
    faded with the ache of breath,
    a photo worth a 1000


    Then, at the crescendo culmination of

    Woes.

    the unexpected twist that expands the mind and makes one look at this in a completely different light, like in the movie Jacob's Ladder, when you finally realize none of the scenarios you thought to be true was really the case.

    That's one of my favourite movies, BTW.

    soul-hugger

    | Posted on 2010-07-14 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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