to take a buzz saw and slice up the english tongue and from the resultingv tatters of words and meanings and intentions that form the clumsy bins most people cannot fashion cohesive or logical expressions from...you deftly sort, repair, order and assemble a magnificent gauntlet to toss down, with such a cool smile that allows us to see that you labor to entertain or to breach out to reassure....
while not easy to carry a theme[ ie the tree's bark, branches etc...) and a tight coily rhyme scheme and juggle throu it all a bounce of words to float the central idea on... i am impressed...you have a great skill but a greater natural artistry...or genius...or ability to see clearly thank you. now what order does a blue monk belong to??
lol merry christmas! welcome to 2012! conquer! enjoy! amaze!
I have to admit to not being a great fan of such structured rhyming. You do it well here, you don't deviate from pattern, which is a mark of good execution. And previous comments nailed it on the head by comparing it to Milton: this really does have a very old-fashioned feel and pace to it.
The first line is probably the best of the whole piece in my opinion:
'To think that we might find the key
that fits the within to without'
It felt very natural; creative without there being too much thought behind the words. I like that organic development to poetry where there seems to be an ease to the outpouring of thoughts and ideas and images without it being planned or strived for or pulled out. I see that in glimpses in this piece which is nice.
I agree with the two commentors (below), that it's beautiful verse except with a few awkward bits ... because the more ambitious our verseform, the harder it is to perfect it! And that it's difficult to understand - which is a good objection to throw at a poet like you, who truly thinks in the language of the five tropes. Because the rest of us don't: so the poets most read for the most centuries seem to have put an extra layer of work upon the stage of composition which you show here: words and lines are given generously to making sure each reference is clear to the reader.
On average, you have about one new trope for each line. It's like Milton (whom I call arrogant, but so need to read!)
I have a roughly thunk theory that the more fresh figures I bring into a poem as it proceeds, the more obscure it will become to ordinary readers, those who read it only once or twice. That makes me try to build a whole short poem around one figure: "sustained metaphor". that has its own dangers too!
I just read your whole collection here and I love it, but didn't comment on all of them because somebody once got mad at me when I did that!
I think you're a fine poet but are just playing with it, so far. A serious artistic project such as many poems all exploring the one topic, or a long poem, or the development of some invented or else traditional verseform to a high level, would get you into the sort of trouble we're all looking for ... I reckon.
It has been quite a while since I have seen a really great rhyming poem, and this is just that! For the most part the rhyme is nearly perfect, with the exception of a couple lines. Then again, since the rhyme is so immaculate in the rest of this I wonder where you're from. Sometimes different accents/dialects affect the way the words are pronounced and stressed and so affect the flow.
The places I noticed this the most are the second line of the first stanza and the second line in the seventh stanza. In the first stanza, I noticed if I really enunciate "with-in and with-out" the flow actually works, so maybe this is not a big problem, just needs to be read more than once to get it sounding right. In the second to last stanza, I think I would eliminate the word "such," and say "and tunnel forth towards great end."
The only other problem I see is in the line "to children's children deftly catch." I'm not sure "to" works, though I can see why you didn't add the word for (for children's children to deftly catch), because it breaks the pattern which is flowing so well. Perhaps you could say "our children's children deftly catch," or use another one syllable word in place of to.
But yes, I really enjoyed this. In fact I read it earlier today and didn't quite know what to say. I get the same feeling as latentlylyrical that this is a note to future generations as well as to yourself.
If only there was a way to really communicate what you know to those we leave behind. Writing is probably the best way to do this if our writing is to survive the onslaught of years.
I liked the ab.a writing scheme you used. I have played with this myself and it can be fun. There are some really standout lines here, so many in fact that I won'r point them out specifically. I like the images of trees in general; I think they really embody a feeling of wisdom and perpetuity and stability, as well as many other positive quality. I could actually see the family tree, branching out, and as it continued in its growth, some parts ceased to be aware of others. I also liked the fingers saying no. This is another thing which brought about images of line after line of parents standing there shaking their fingers, guiding and protecting their children with a firm hand.
I'm still trying to figure out all you are saying here, there is a lot, but truly, this is great, a wonderful job.
Your words are usually enigmatic...
they are here, too.
I get the feel of generations, and the hopes and dreams that they carry with them. And the wondering about what will come of the generations we beget and have to leave behind.
Do we really want to know what is to be, or what could have been? Or do we do ourselves wrongly to ask those questions?
"still the frantic moth become":
a great image, there.
I'll keep reading, and maybe I'll catch on. Or, I won't, and I'll just enjoy the parade of images, and the sensations they create.
It's wonderful to see you submitting new posts.