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    dots Submission Name: The Oblong Keydots

    Author: Blue Monk
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1556/457/118
    Words: 211
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 1297
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1389

       Just a reminder to myself.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Oblong Keydots

    To think that we might find the key
    that fits the within to without
    and dares us then to jump and shout
    before a fearful company

    That poison to the mind entreat
    accept no wither or dismay
    such clouds and veils must fade away
    as past and future come to meet

    As long ago the arm does stretch
    to pluck the pearls of destiny
    through calloused visions of a tree
    to children's children deftly catch

    The bark that's left is scaly rind
    beseech that tone of soft regret
    the answers all too soon forget
    as branch by branch is left behind

    And yet within a blended scope
    with soft caress like mother's womb
    a guide ensues to all entomb
    by light with music as the grope

    An endless bale such journeys go
    with sunset after sunset met
    through shadows marking any fret
    as countless fingers tell us no

    It always comes to where we're from
    yet tunnel forth towards such great end
    choices to which we must pretend
    and still the frantic moth become

    But such a key could rock the boat
    through everlasting undefined
    and gray all even keels of mind
    so keep it safely in your throat

    Submitted on 2010-07-20 01:28:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      to take a buzz saw and slice up the english tongue and from the resultingv tatters of words and meanings and intentions that form the clumsy bins most people cannot fashion cohesive or logical expressions from...you deftly sort, repair, order and assemble a magnificent gauntlet to toss down, with such a cool smile that allows us to see that you labor to entertain or to breach out to reassure....

    while not easy to carry a theme[ ie the tree's bark, branches etc...) and a tight coily rhyme scheme and juggle throu it all a bounce of words to float the central idea on... i am impressed...you have a great skill but a greater natural artistry...or genius...or ability to see clearly thank you. now what order does a blue monk belong to??
    lol merry christmas! welcome to 2012! conquer! enjoy! amaze!
    | Posted on 2011-12-24 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      okay my thoughts...i am not much for pattern, structure if it takes away from content and gets too obvious...becomes the focus..

    not true here..the movement is good, the rhyme subtle
    and there is power in the words..."choices to which we must pretend/ and the frantic moth become"

    geez...if i haven't at one time or another felt trapped by my choices...like a moth in lamp..seeing no way out..just flitting about..

    there is a tone to this poem...steady, sure, not condescending but teaching in a way...

    good work, my friend.
    | Posted on 2011-02-18 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to admit to not being a great fan of such structured rhyming. You do it well here, you don't deviate from pattern, which is a mark of good execution. And previous comments nailed it on the head by comparing it to Milton: this really does have a very old-fashioned feel and pace to it.

    The first line is probably the best of the whole piece in my opinion:

    'To think that we might find the key
    that fits the within to without'

    It felt very natural; creative without there being too much thought behind the words. I like that organic development to poetry where there seems to be an ease to the outpouring of thoughts and ideas and images without it being planned or strived for or pulled out. I see that in glimpses in this piece which is nice.

    | Posted on 2010-08-15 00:00:00 | by Jacoby | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lloyd,

    This is crafted very well. I noticed your first commenter mentioned
    Milton. I've been reading him lately and feel like your poem is better.
    How awkward his meter seems while this just flows.

    And the message is fine too. No one can really give us a map- they can only encourage us to keep trying.

    Nice! it's good read you again.


    | Posted on 2010-07-26 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with the two commentors (below), that it's beautiful verse except with a few awkward bits ... because the more ambitious our verseform, the harder it is to perfect it! And that it's difficult to understand - which is a good objection to throw at a poet like you, who truly thinks in the language of the five tropes. Because the rest of us don't: so the poets most read for the most centuries seem to have put an extra layer of work upon the stage of composition which you show here: words and lines are given generously to making sure each reference is clear to the reader.

    On average, you have about one new trope for each line. It's like Milton (whom I call arrogant, but so need to read!)

    I have a roughly thunk theory that the more fresh figures I bring into a poem as it proceeds, the more obscure it will become to ordinary readers, those who read it only once or twice. That makes me try to build a whole short poem around one figure: "sustained metaphor". that has its own dangers too!

    I just read your whole collection here and I love it, but didn't comment on all of them because somebody once got mad at me when I did that!

    I think you're a fine poet but are just playing with it, so far. A serious artistic project such as many poems all exploring the one topic, or a long poem, or the development of some invented or else traditional verseform to a high level, would get you into the sort of trouble we're all looking for ... I reckon.
    | Posted on 2010-07-22 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry about the bold type. It happened somehow by accident.
    | Posted on 2010-07-21 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      It has been quite a while since I have seen a really great rhyming poem, and this is just that! For the most part the rhyme is nearly perfect, with the exception of a couple lines. Then again, since the rhyme is so immaculate in the rest of this I wonder where you're from. Sometimes different accents/dialects affect the way the words are pronounced and stressed and so affect the flow.

    The places I noticed this the most are the second line of the first stanza and the second line in the seventh stanza. In the first stanza, I noticed if I really enunciate "with-in and with-out" the flow actually works, so maybe this is not a big problem, just needs to be read more than once to get it sounding right. In the second to last stanza, I think I would eliminate the word "such," and say "and tunnel forth towards great end."

    The only other problem I see is in the line "to children's children deftly catch." I'm not sure "to" works, though I can see why you didn't add the word for (for children's children to deftly catch), because it breaks the pattern which is flowing so well. Perhaps you could say "our children's children deftly catch," or use another one syllable word in place of to.

    But yes, I really enjoyed this. In fact I read it earlier today and didn't quite know what to say. I get the same feeling as latentlylyrical that this is a note to future generations as well as to yourself.

    If only there was a way to really communicate what you know to those we leave behind. Writing is probably the best way to do this if our writing is to survive the onslaught of years.

    I liked the ab.a writing scheme you used. I have played with this myself and it can be fun. There are some really standout lines here, so many in fact that I won'r point them out specifically. I like the images of trees in general; I think they really embody a feeling of wisdom and perpetuity and stability, as well as many other positive quality. I could actually see the family tree, branching out, and as it continued in its growth, some parts ceased to be aware of others. I also liked the fingers saying no. This is another thing which brought about images of line after line of parents standing there shaking their fingers, guiding and protecting their children with a firm hand.

    I'm still trying to figure out all you are saying here, there is a lot, but truly, this is great, a wonderful job.

    | Posted on 2010-07-21 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Your words are usually enigmatic...
    they are here, too.
    I get the feel of generations, and the hopes and dreams that they carry with them. And the wondering about what will come of the generations we beget and have to leave behind.
    Do we really want to know what is to be, or what could have been? Or do we do ourselves wrongly to ask those questions?

    "still the frantic moth become":
    a great image, there.

    I'll keep reading, and maybe I'll catch on. Or, I won't, and I'll just enjoy the parade of images, and the sensations they create.

    It's wonderful to see you submitting new posts.
    ~huge smile~

    Thanks for sharing, Lloyd!
    | Posted on 2010-07-20 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]

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