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I saw the stars
Without mine own eye;
The sight crashed into my heart
I thought I might cry
My life became silenced by those
Fiercely bright pinholes
Piercing through the frighteningly
Blinding night sky.
Silently roaring during all my dreams,
But never so loud as to wake me
And how I hear them.
The innumerable lot an army
Of such power I could never know,
Diligently marching impossible miles
Seemingly seeking to simply show,
Timid little ol me,
How glorious it is to glow.
| I really enjoyed this, rather being a fan of star imagery and what affects the night sky can have. I think a little tweaking/brushing up would do this justice and I've gone ahead and done some thoughts which you can take or leave and all that junk. It's up to you, of course, an these are just minor, very minor suggestions, also, I found "I thought I might cry" too bland and it could be nixed without taking away from the write..., anyway, a lot of it has to do with line breaking and sorta whittling down certain spots. |
I saw the stars without my eyes --
the sight crashed into my heart
so heavy that
my life became silenced
by those fiercely bright
pinholes piercing through
the frighteningly blinding
quietly roaring during all my dreams,
but never so loud as to wake me
and how I hear them.
the innumerable lot an army
of such power I could never know,
diligently marching impossible miles,
seemingly seeking to simply show
timid little ol' me
how glorious it is to glow.
Like I said, I really enjoyed this. The descriptions are wonderful and the feeling brought forth is there to. Just needs a little more honing. Above is an idea. I think you should play around with it a little more and see what more you can shape.
|| Posted on 2010-07-24 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ] || first.. i think in the second line you meant to write "without my own eye" .. or you purposefully wrote Mine and that confused me .. |
The stars are so beautiful its a shame you have to dream of them to be able to describe them so beautifully ... this is about a dream right ? heheh ...
“We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened.” - Mark Twain
:) Keep up the good work .. by the way .. i like that you "hear" stars
|| Posted on 2010-07-24 00:00:00 | by Little Gal | [ Reply to This ] |