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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: At Least You Found Yourselfdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: sunsetserenity
    ASL Info:    21/f
    Elite Ratio:    6.49 - 23/17/12
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Misc
    Total Views: 587
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 760



    Description:
       My ex-boyfriend once asked me to write words for a song he was working on. He had the music, just needed the words.

    We broke up before I could write the words.

    I've written them now, but I feel like they're not perfect enough yet. I like them, they're from my heart, I just don't love them.

    I want to send these to him, without a name, just so he can have them. But I can't until they're perfect.

    Any help is appreciated.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAt Least You Found Yourselfdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Apathy
    I lose myself to those
    I lost to yesterday
    Dont ask why
    Just find a new way to live
    New place to shut my eyes

    If I can't find my home
    If I can't find my home
    I will walk the world alone

    If you find yourself trusting no one
    If you find yourself
    If you find yourself falling apart
    At least you found yourself

    You ask me
    Who are you, What's your name
    Can I be in your life
    I hate that
    Tomorrow you are gone
    Chasing another lie

    If you find yourself trusting no one
    If you find yourself
    If you find yourself falling apart
    At least you found yourself




    Submitted on 2010-07-25 23:12:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Hi, Sunset serenity,

    I found this article for you, it's very interesting:

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apathy

    Apathy is
    Losing myself to those
    I lost to yesterday
    Pretending not to care
    To find myself not caring

    Don't ask why
    But I found a new way to live
    A new place to shut my eyes
    Chasing fireflies
    With a net that will burn away
    But I found a new way
    (Which is no way)

    If I can't find my home
    If I can't find my home
    I will walk the world alone

    If you find yourself trusting no one
    If you find yourself
    If you find yourself falling apart
    At least you found yourself

    I hate it when you ask me
    Who are you, What's your name
    I hate it when you say
    You want to be in my life
    Because I know tomorrow you'll be gone
    Chasing another lie
    (Chasing fireflies under blackened sky -
    you'll never keep me in a jar,
    no matter how wonderful you are)

    If you find yourself trusting no one
    If you find yourself
    If you find yourself falling apart
    At least you found yourself



    What I like best about this is "if you find yourself trusting no-one, if you find yourself..."

    I like how the second repetition of this is left open. I would definitely keep it that way. Perhaps this is a way for you to express your feelings if not anonymously, at least with clarity.

    If you send him the lyrics, he'll still know they came from you, because somehow I doubt he's asked anyone else to write a song for him. But you must not expect anything by sending them. Just consider it a gift and see what happens.

    From girl-to-girl, if I could give you one solid piece of advice about men, it's that you'll get nowhere by trying to cling too hard or by expecting too much. You have to let them go free, be themselves. You have to let them be men, and men hate nothing more than feeling as if they're on a string. (Ask me, because I know. When I was younger I turned a lot of men off by being too intense too soon, and expecting the same in return.) If you can't live with his little idiosyncrasies today, (or he with yours) you won't be able to tomorrow. You can't expect a man to change for you, and if he expects it from you, he's not for you! If you give him space, he'll respect you, and respect is very important!

    Maybe you could send the lyrics to more than one song. But not more than two.

    Sorry, I was really just playing with the lyrics. You don't have to keep the ideas, I'm not accustomed to writing music, and have no idea how it would sound. The firefly in a jar just sprang to mind suddenly.

    OK, first of all I'm willing to say I'll help more with this venture, if you want to revise and try again.

    Really the way it is isn't bad, but it could say a whole lot more. If you want to keep it closer to the way it is, I think the problems are with (don't ask why, just find a new way to live, a new place to shut my eyes - you would have to say - new place to shut YOUR eyes, because you are now talking to him/them after saying don't ask why. Or you could say Don't ask why / I FOUND a new way to live, a new place to shut MY eyes.)

    Second biggest problem is in the second to last section. I don't like "I hate that." My question would be "I hate what?" Do you hate that he asks the questions, or that he leaves the next day? More than anything this is a technical wording problem.

    I would be tempted to make it longer. Say more about the apathy, because it usually starts by pretending not to care, then finding one day you really don't care, or are too numb to care. Sometimes apathy is feeling so much there is nothing at all. It is an excess that turns itself inside out.

    I hope this has given you some ideas, and good luck.

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-07-29 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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