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    dots Submission Name: waxing, waningdots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 161
    Class/Type: Poetry/Romance
    Total Views: 609
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 969


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    dotswaxing, waningdots

    the huts of straw and wood and bricks
    had been taken

    so I made us a house
    out of the seeds of dandelions and the fur from my back
    and I painted it with silver dewy stars
    that I had torn from the sky with my teeth

    I used what was left over
    to clumsily ice our wedding cake
    my jaws clutching the spreading-knife
    my claws scratching the cobwebby tablecloth

    and even though they said that it was bad luck
    to marry when the moon was full
    I wanted us to stand hand in paw, muzzle by cheek
    and howl our house down together

    I guess that I thought the moon's wide sphere
    would make you forget my pale wild eyes

    I guess I supposed the moon's craggy face
    would make you unearth some strange love for me

    I guess I should have known
    there is no fairy tale romance
    for the Big Bad Wolf

    Submitted on 2010-07-26 19:16:35     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this a lot as well.

    The only complaints I had with this are purely technical. I can't decide if I like "cobwebby." I found myself trying to figure out if by this you meant "gauzy" or actually composed of or containing actual cobwebs, in which case I would have used the word "cobwebbed."

    Secondly, I would eliminate the word "that" and say "I guess I thought the moon's wide sphere," just because I think it sounds better.

    Somehow it reminded me of the song "Furr" by Blitzen Trapper:


    | Posted on 2010-07-27 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hoboy. Now I got some real poetry here. Yes. All I have to say is YES. This was great. Real clenching and smashing it all in your fist. A great choke on the issue at hand and very raw. Very limber. Love this.

    I actually wouldn't want to start this poem with a capital T. Despite my OCD for grammar, sometimes, that little detail makes it feel as if we've just stumbled into a really good presentation, or more like, a display of guttural emotion. That first release of hysterics when nothing in the world could ever decipher the feelings and yet- there's all the symbolism here to do so.

    and even though they said that it was bad luck
    to marry when the moon was full

    In Hindu culture, and I'm also thinking Muslim, though not so sure on that one, they tend to wait for an "auspicious" night to marry. Usually an equinox, solstice or new moon would be the time to wed. The celebrations would last forever. Like, one week at the bride's house, the next week at the groom's. It's pretty expensive and parents spend tons of money just providing for the ceremonies. All the women help out in the town, too. But anyway, that line reminded me of that.

    Really, I like this a lot. Great great great. I'm sorry I don't have a longer comment for you. It's perfectly dressed up and speaks for itself.
    | Posted on 2010-07-26 00:00:00 | by JenFlynn | [ Reply to This ]

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