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Words I'll never tell you


Author: grimmreaper
Elite Ratio:    8 - 122 /43 /23
Words: 99
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
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Description:


hmmp


Words I'll never tell you



I am afraid to tell you
what I really want to
I am afraid that if I do
you won't look at me
the way you do

So I won't admit to you
that the way I feel is true
because if I do
I may never again see you.

Instead I will fear these
feelings I have just for you
knowing that if you knew
there's a chance I could lose you

But if only you really knew
how much I really care for you
and that this poem was written
just for you...




Submitted on 2010-07-26 22:12:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  Go ahead and yell "will the geek in the back please sit down," but I have to say one of the first things I always notice about a poem is whether or not it has spelling or punctuation errors. If there are a number of errors, I always assume one of two things; either the spellings were not carefully checked, or the piece was hastily typed without edit. One way or the other, it suggests a lack of time and care.

I point this out with all good intentions, in no means to be offensive in any way. It's just that when I see these types of mistakes they scream so loud I can't hear what the poem is really saying.

So let's try to type it out without the errors and see what we get:

I am afraid to tell you
what I really want to
I am afraid that if I do
you won't look at me
the way you do

So I won't admit to you
that the way I feel is true
because if I do
I may never again see you.

Instead I will fear these
feelings I have just for you
knowing that if you knew
there's a chance I could lose you

But if only you really knew
how much I really care for you
and that this poem was written
just for you...


First of all, I think this could be much better without attempting to rhyme. In a poem where you really want to express how you feel about someone, rhyming can easily get in the way. It might come out more intricate and more sincere to simply state your feelings as plainly and honestly as possible; then try to add a poetic twist.

In the first stanza, I eliminated the word "like." I did this because if you use like, then you have to explain what something is like. You have to connect it to the who-what-where-when-how-why that using the word like precludes. For example, you would have to say something like: "like the way you do now."

Here is a little tip with the words "to" and "too" that has helped me to remember when to use each one: use the word "too" with two "OO's" only when the use of the word is superfluous like too much, too fast, too soon, etc. This is also the "as well" too. In all the other places, "to" is the word you want. "I am going to"... or "to be continued," etc.

In addition to correcting some other things, (while leaving the wording the same) I added (...) at the end. The reason this is needed is because you have left us with an incomplete statement. This shows the statement is left open and is ongoing.

I also see that you have capitalized some letters at the beginning of lines and not others. There are two ways lines can be capitalized; at the beginning of each line, or at the beginning of each thought. Combining these is not recommended in most cases. Specifically you have capitalized "There's" in the last line of the third stanza, and it would make more sense to leave it lower case in keeping with the rest of the poem.

Sorry all my thoughts are on technical things. I understand what you were trying to communicate, and it's a feeling that if the person you love really knew who you were that they would leave.

But there is another side too. If they could really see your thoughts, they would also know how much you cared.

This was really simple but seemed genuine.

Good luck with future writes, hope this has helped:)

soul-hugger



| Posted on 2010-07-27 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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