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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Jet lagdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blankscreen
    ASL Info:    22/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222/196/163
    Words: 158
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 677
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 961



    Description:
       Really rough, just wanted to write something and this is what came out. Willing to work on it though if there are any suggestions, otherwise i might just trash it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJet lagdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I want to wake up in the wee hours of the morning
    When the sun isnt even awake yet
    And watch it yawn and stretch
    To pull some strings
    And make you smile once more

    I want to play with marshmallows
    Like pillows for my fall
    I want to love you
    More than stars in the sky
    Or words to describe
    I want to hold you
    Faster than a hurricane
    And stronger than a lightening bolt

    I want to be the calm after the storm
    That knows just how to rebuild your home
    Started from scratch
    I want to create miracles
    In a simple touch

    Because I am tired of defending
    And hurting
    And exploding
    I am tired of staying up late to hear your voice
    Tear down tomorrows
    And I am tired of feeling like my insides might fall out
    When I see his face.

    So let me wake up
    Before you do




    Submitted on 2010-08-03 06:40:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this poem could definitely benefit from some reworking. Some of the wording could be condensed or made more concise, for example, it would sound much better to say "when the sun has yet to wake" as opposed to "when the sun isn't even awake yet."

    This definitely has the feel of an original draft. I say this not to be critical but only that this is my first impression. Original drafts are valuable. They show you what thoughts are in your head and give you material to work with later. It is seldom that a poem is written perfect on the first try. It does happen, but only once in a rare while.

    I think you could expand on the idea you bring to the forefront at the closing lines. "Let me wake up before you do" is your way of saying you need time to regroup. That's a good thing.

    So yeah, some good ideas here that need only to be played with to get to the pith of what you are saying.

    Good luck with this:)

    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-08-03 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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