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Jet lag

Author: blankscreen
ASL Info:    22/f/NY
Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 222 /196 /163
Words: 158
Class/Type: Misc /Misc
Total Views: 1265
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 961


Really rough, just wanted to write something and this is what came out. Willing to work on it though if there are any suggestions, otherwise i might just trash it.

Jet lag

I want to wake up in the wee hours of the morning
When the sun isnt even awake yet
And watch it yawn and stretch
To pull some strings
And make you smile once more

I want to play with marshmallows
Like pillows for my fall
I want to love you
More than stars in the sky
Or words to describe
I want to hold you
Faster than a hurricane
And stronger than a lightening bolt

I want to be the calm after the storm
That knows just how to rebuild your home
Started from scratch
I want to create miracles
In a simple touch

Because I am tired of defending
And hurting
And exploding
I am tired of staying up late to hear your voice
Tear down tomorrows
And I am tired of feeling like my insides might fall out
When I see his face.

So let me wake up
Before you do

Submitted on 2010-08-03 06:40:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  I think this poem could definitely benefit from some reworking. Some of the wording could be condensed or made more concise, for example, it would sound much better to say "when the sun has yet to wake" as opposed to "when the sun isn't even awake yet."

This definitely has the feel of an original draft. I say this not to be critical but only that this is my first impression. Original drafts are valuable. They show you what thoughts are in your head and give you material to work with later. It is seldom that a poem is written perfect on the first try. It does happen, but only once in a rare while.

I think you could expand on the idea you bring to the forefront at the closing lines. "Let me wake up before you do" is your way of saying you need time to regroup. That's a good thing.

So yeah, some good ideas here that need only to be played with to get to the pith of what you are saying.

Good luck with this:)

| Posted on 2010-08-03 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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