Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: coloredstone
Elite Ratio:    8 - 99 /60 /37
Words: 160
Class/Type: Poetry /Nostalgia
Total Views: 1090
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1052



Once upon a time children trudged
through the freshly fallen snow.
Deeper and deeper through the stuff
they went, not to play but
to carry out the bidding of a loved one ill.
Baby steps, a new beginning.
There was so much in store
for these children and so many more.

In another world children trudged
through fallen grimy bits of the world
deeper and deeper through the stuff
they went, playing first but then
carrying out the bidding of loved ones
Mature steps, growing with time
So much falls out of the closet
upon the heads of these children and more.

These children, who have never met
though in different worlds, live for each other.
They battle their foes with faith and hope
and always stick together.
When one goes down
They are held up, by the other.
Oh Lord watch over children as they grow
shower them with Your Guidance,Your Mercy and

Your Love.

Submitted on 2010-08-04 10:35:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  GAH stone. This hit me hard. Youre decription is simple and soft but its meaning is complicated and callous. I've been having weird dreams lately and one was sort of like this. A child growing as he walks in the snow. It was so sad because as he aged i saw every cringe of angst and wrinkle of wisdom.

I am truly taken aback.

May God make these roads smooth and easy for the children, for our children.

| Posted on 2010-08-05 00:00:00 | by BusterLILblock | [ Reply to This ]
  I often think something like this, and it always brings tears to the eye!

I so like these stanzas and the way you play metre like a ... flute or something, never tripping up.

Maybe you ought to lose the "more" rhyme, because it doesn't suit the otherwise blank verseform of this poem, and blank is so successful here!

But rhyming the last two lines of each stanza would work, if you want some rhyme, I reckon.

Rhyme is so dangerous because only really slick sound/sense patterns really work! Except in songs, I suppose, because listening to songs, people just expect rhymes and don't care if they sound drippy or not!
| Posted on 2010-08-04 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?