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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Enantio Hydra - Sonnetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.08 - 75/182/217
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 533
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
       This should be read from bottom to top starting at the top of each stanza working down and beginning again at the top of the next stanza

    13
    14

    9
    10
    11
    12

    5
    6
    7
    8

    1
    2
    3
    4


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnantio Hydra - Sonnetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The start where we must depart -- Play lyre;
    sing muse -- Portray the scream - screaming pyre

    Divisive; Deceitful they continue -
    stomping on our backs, a phantom ideal
    forever haunting this - Our great venue.
    Never the same our enantio --- Real

    One spoke great words, bold and strong - Republic
    The kingdom of man - a simple guide (sage)
    The 'two' preached better man - Democratic -
    Even if it means controlling - The age

    Colubrine in nature - Slither -- Slither ---
    Don't tread on me - Spiteful; Said with a hiss.
    A hydra formed of brother of sister -
    Divided to a fault their words meant piss.




    Submitted on 2010-08-19 17:40:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I wonder if it is all the hyphens and bracketed words that are distracting from your poetry.

    I revisited some of your others, and when read as if without these, they flow much better.

    Perhaps if you took a more traditional approach to the punctuation, it would help a lot:

    The start where we must depart, play lyre,
    sing muse, portray the scream, screaming pyre

    Colubrine in nature; slither, slither
    Don't tread on me, spiteful; said with a hiss.
    A hydra formed of brother of sister,
    Divided to a fault, their words meant piss.

    One spoke great words, bold and strong. Republic,
    the kingdom of man - a simple guide, sage
    the 'two' preached better man, democratic.
    Even if it means controlling - The age

    Divisive; deceitful they continue,
    stomping on our backs, a phantom ideal
    forever haunting this, our great venue.
    Never the same our enantio, real


    In doing this I suddenly understood something. Though my rendering may not be perfect, I understood that in order to rhyme, you are breaking up the lines that would traditionally be "one rhyme per thought," and using the dashes to do so instead of commas and periods.

    I am used to reading rhyming poems where for the most part the end of the line is the end of the thought. In free verse, this is to be expected, but more often than not the positioning of the words is self explanatory. It's done for visual effect, for emphasis, or for other reasons.

    But in this case, I have really had to look and read this over a few times to get what you were trying to say, not to mention figure out the format. I don't think it should have to be that hard. But once I got past the positioning and all the dashes, I could see the writing is actually pretty good.

    I will definitely keep this in mind when reading your future posts.

    Bye for now,
    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-08-19 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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