Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Enantio Hydra - Sonnetdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/213
    Words: 115
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 510
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 726



    Description:
       This should be read from bottom to top starting at the top of each stanza working down and beginning again at the top of the next stanza

    13
    14

    9
    10
    11
    12

    5
    6
    7
    8

    1
    2
    3
    4


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsEnantio Hydra - Sonnetdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The start where we must depart -- Play lyre;
    sing muse -- Portray the scream - screaming pyre

    Divisive; Deceitful they continue -
    stomping on our backs, a phantom ideal
    forever haunting this - Our great venue.
    Never the same our enantio --- Real

    One spoke great words, bold and strong - Republic
    The kingdom of man - a simple guide (sage)
    The 'two' preached better man - Democratic -
    Even if it means controlling - The age

    Colubrine in nature - Slither -- Slither ---
    Don't tread on me - Spiteful; Said with a hiss.
    A hydra formed of brother of sister -
    Divided to a fault their words meant piss.




    Submitted on 2010-08-19 17:40:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I wonder if it is all the hyphens and bracketed words that are distracting from your poetry.

    I revisited some of your others, and when read as if without these, they flow much better.

    Perhaps if you took a more traditional approach to the punctuation, it would help a lot:

    The start where we must depart, play lyre,
    sing muse, portray the scream, screaming pyre

    Colubrine in nature; slither, slither
    Don't tread on me, spiteful; said with a hiss.
    A hydra formed of brother of sister,
    Divided to a fault, their words meant piss.

    One spoke great words, bold and strong. Republic,
    the kingdom of man - a simple guide, sage
    the 'two' preached better man, democratic.
    Even if it means controlling - The age

    Divisive; deceitful they continue,
    stomping on our backs, a phantom ideal
    forever haunting this, our great venue.
    Never the same our enantio, real


    In doing this I suddenly understood something. Though my rendering may not be perfect, I understood that in order to rhyme, you are breaking up the lines that would traditionally be "one rhyme per thought," and using the dashes to do so instead of commas and periods.

    I am used to reading rhyming poems where for the most part the end of the line is the end of the thought. In free verse, this is to be expected, but more often than not the positioning of the words is self explanatory. It's done for visual effect, for emphasis, or for other reasons.

    But in this case, I have really had to look and read this over a few times to get what you were trying to say, not to mention figure out the format. I don't think it should have to be that hard. But once I got past the positioning and all the dashes, I could see the writing is actually pretty good.

    I will definitely keep this in mind when reading your future posts.

    Bye for now,
    soul-hugger
    | Posted on 2010-08-19 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    186671

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    One Day written by WriteSomething
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Giving written by jjd
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Every..... written by jackz
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Fasade written by jackz

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry