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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: White Elephantdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 137/243/158
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 470
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 418



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhite Elephantdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Aligned across the stooping arc -
    A fainting pallid elephant
    Went rogue so suddenly and wrongly,
    The belly tight against my own:
    A solar plexus fist of longing
    Shoved down to a resentful moan.
    But heavy wooden doors have fallen,
    And crushed the flanks, and broke the feet,
    Like butterfly pinned to my fury
    I stroke out to our hearts’ each beat.




    Submitted on 2010-08-21 10:19:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i see this as the white elephant...the burden i carry ...it is that i miss you...and in the missing there is fury...the butterfly pinned to my fury...

    you are elusive and i can't catch you, yet the thought of you is pinned to my mind...

    like a punch in the gut, i hurt where you are gone...

    i like this...yes, "like a butterfly"

    but actually some of the other phrasing...though a bit awkward...fits the feeling in the poem...the butterfly awkwardly flying...the awkward gut feeling from the white elephant...

    feeling something hanging over me...not a smooth feeling at all..

    i really like this piece..

    jacob
    | Posted on 2011-03-31 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      
    I love how this is a close up of a moment, like a photograph looking into a center of a flower, or at intertwined legs. Though it does not give us the full picture, from that small segment we are still able to gain and infer so much. This also leaves a sense of mystery and wonderment, as to what made the elephant so disturbed, what caused this instant. Yep, leaves me hanging, and I thoroughly like that. Your descriptions are wonderful too and very balanced, giving just enough and not over doing it, with such a short, precise poem.

    Couple of thoughts:

    "Went rogue so suddenly and wrongly," -- I wonder if you would consider rephrasing this, as the word placing seems slightly awkward to me:

    "Went so suddenly and wildly rogue,"

    This also creates a nice slant rhyme between rogue/own. And here:

    "A solar plexus fist of longing"

    maybe

    "A fist of longing in the solar plexus" -- my reason for this rephrasing is that "solar plexus fist" is boarding overwrought (in my opinion) and this reads a bit more smoothly/balanced to me.

    "Like (a) butterfly pinned to my fury" -- needs the a in there.

    And I really like the last line. It's odd, but well placed. As though you and the elephant, its fear and yours, are melded and so your bodies begin to meld too. To resonate, synchronize. I also found the overall topic very unique.

    Enjoyed.
    | Posted on 2010-08-21 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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