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    dots Submission Name: Sonnet-Three Words Worth Everythingdots

    Author: HisNameIsNoMore
    ASL Info:    28 - Male - Ohio
    Elite Ratio:    3.09 - 75/182/213
    Words: 117
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 559
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 718


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSonnet-Three Words Worth Everythingdots

    Somewhere along the way -- I -- thought of blue.
    Perilous skies; bottomless ocean swell
    A compass to guide me not, I stood true
    I was swallowed; drowned with no tale to tell

    Yet a lingering -- Love -- for something red.
    Blood: Crimson, sanguine and carmine so bright,
    How I desired to rise from the dead
    I tease, I tease, I will not die... No fright

    Seeing -- You -- A broad spectrum aperture
    made me believe in white; angelic wings.
    My words flow with only one pure picture,
    a sonnet wrote for a dream, please come sing

    with a smile you'll punish me so fine
    Remember I said, read between the lines

    Submitted on 2010-08-21 21:40:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This is such a charmingly quirky piece. You've really taken the sonnet form and made it yours.

    I'm a little unsure about 'A compass to guide me not'- I think just 'Not a compass to guide me' reads better, less clumsy, and from your other lines, well, the syntax is just stronger. I think that one line lets you down a little.

    Your '--' make me think of Emily Dickenson. I like it, it shows us how you want this read, and the pauses, they add to the oddness of this write, the exact positions halting you in unusual places, so you're aware of it. and more aware of the thought processes which built this poem.

    'Seeing -- You -- A broad spectrum aperture
    made me believe in white'-

    I think this is the pinnacle of the poem, how well you use your spacing and quirky phrasing, it all comes good here, and openings making you believe in white- it's an unusual idea, too, and it all just gels.

    I like how this is a love poem but you only use the word love once- I use it over and over in my poetry, sort of assuming it's fine because Pablo Neruda does it, but here, well. It just doesn't need saying.

    I like the bold strips of colour, too- blue, red, white, each setting off the others' hue to more vibrancy.

    Your opening...'Somewhere along the way'...it makes me think of Virgil, of in media res, so we're uncertain where we are, exactly, you just pull us straight into the middle of things with the whats and hows explained along the way. I think it's a good poetic device.

    The inconsistency of capitalization at the beginning of lines- I feel like it's deliberate, and it intrigues me. Makes me wonder why those particular lines?

    Anyhoo, I just wanted to stop by and say I liked this :)

    Take care,

    | Posted on 2010-08-22 00:00:00 | by AlyRose | [ Reply to This ]

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