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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Zoedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Algol46
    ASL Info:    200/m/East of Eden
    Elite Ratio:    2.72 - 1111/1235/613
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Misc/Love
    Total Views: 500
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 903



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsZoedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I hear your footsteps when the autumn comes,
    Your whisper's on the wind among the leaves,
    I see your shadow cast there past the sheaves,
    When autumn comes.

    Your perfume's here now when the autumn comes,
    I miss your kisses so, they were a gift,
    Yet still I am alone and so bereft,
    When autumn comes.

    The summer's gone, the bee no longer hums
    His joy at finding honey in the leas,
    And I am lonely now, on days like these
    When autumn comes.

    And once again the summer now succumbs,
    And autumn's here, by tempests often tossed,
    As I stay home where I am always lost
    When autumn comes.

    Such an abyss as no man ever plumbs,
    I know too well for it has covered me,
    And sorrowful I am, yet cannot flee
    When autumn comes.




    Submitted on 2010-08-25 12:25:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      It's good to read some more formal poetry. Autumn is definitely coming. Though I love the season, it is a harbinger of colder weather that I do not take too readily. I prefer heat.

    I especially liked the fourth stanza, especially "by tempests often tossed" and how the poem overall moves through natural world, and then ends with the deep recesses of man. It gives enough without giving too much, and the repetition pushes it forward. Repetition can be such an excellent tool to portray a sort of haunting desolation.

    I do have some thoughts, mainly concerning grammatical structure. Your lines are very run-on (continuous, with many commas) and I wonder if some actual end-stops would give the poem some pause in the right places.

    Also, I understand that you are using ten syllables per line, but at times I felt that this could either be sacrificed or accomplished differently.

    For example:

    "Your whisper's on the wind among the leaves,
    I see your shadow cast there past the sheaves,"

    "on the wind among the leaves" is a bit wordy, maybe "Your whisper is the wind among the leaves". And "cast there" reads as though "there" was thrown in to fill in a syllable. It might work to say: "And I see your shadow cast past the sheaves" which also gives a nice nuance with "cast past".

    Anyway, small things like that could be looked at throughout the poem to make it as clean and tight as possible.

    Though all that said I don't have a good ear for meter.

    Enjoyed.

    -Emeya

    p.s. Is this a ballad form? Rondeau?
    | Posted on 2010-08-27 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]
      i can visualize many things in this,
    nice read
    thanx
    | Posted on 2010-08-27 00:00:00 | by jeniecel | [ Reply to This ]
      Captivating, such a passion. Autumn isn't here yet though and such a sight of loneliness should never be experienced, but you show it in a captivating passion that drew in my sight to this poem.
    | Posted on 2010-08-25 00:00:00 | by 13thprotector | [ Reply to This ]
      This poem seems to aptly describe that aching regret that appears in one's mood with the coming of Autumn and the realization that summer is over, and the dread and cold of winter is just around the corner.

    And temptress Zoe casts that same spell, scenting the air with her perfume and casting spells that blow with the Autumn breeze!

    Delightful work, my talented friend in letters!!!
    | Posted on 2010-08-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]


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