Sea of Flames a thousand names,
The future past a ghost proclaims
As eyes above watch thoughtfully
and contemplate this ecstacy
of Information lost and free
| ...careening in the galaxy.|
my suggestion for an ending, at least, what I heard involuntarily in my head as I was finishing reading.
The only other thing I would propose is to move "the future" down with "past a ghost proclaims." Either that, or take out the capitals. I notice "information" is capitalized as well. I'm not sure if you were trying for some sort of enjambment, but I think with this type of poem, it would work better if you had the rhymes at the end of the lines. The same could be applied to "information lost."
Just looks to me like a little freewriting exercise gone well. This could be much longer, but trying to extend it much more can ruin a good thing.
Bye for now:)
|| Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ] |