Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perspective Erosiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Celeste J. Bell
    ASL Info:    27 Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 261/310/148
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 437
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 775



    Description:
       just feel it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerspective Erosiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    you manage to leave emotion

    out of every word escaping

    from your mouth

    that must be revered talent somewhere

    wanted by someone. someone out there.

    someone not like me

    someone out of their skin

    I feel dirty underneath you

    it takes weeks to wash the filth from my skin

    but the smell has become addictive

    I can't breath without a taste

    of the man you could have been

    the longer I carry your voice in my heart

    the more it eats me alive

    the promise of no more memories

    no fights, no butterflies

    crushes my will to let you go




    Submitted on 2010-08-31 21:12:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      you manage to leave emotion

    out of every word escaping your mouth

    that must be (a) revered talent somewhere

    wanted by someone. someone out there.

    someone (un)like me

    someone out of their skin

    I feel dirty underneath you

    it takes weeks to wash the filth from my skin

    but the smell has become addictive

    I can't breath without a taste

    of the man you could have been

    the longer I carry your voice in my heart

    the more it eats me alive

    the promise of no more memories

    no fights, no butterflies

    crushes my will to let you go


    This is a brutal and powerful vision of "what might have been" as it eats someone alive while they relive the agony in a closed loop that can't be erased.

    Nice. Chillingly nice.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2010-09-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, Celeste:)

    This sounds to me like a woman in love with a man's potential. I have fallen into this trap before. Until I realized everyone has potential - but not everyone has what it takes to do something with it.

    My last relationship was heartbreaking. Watching a man slowly suffer. Seeing what could have been... and what wasn't. You can only do so much for a person who won't do for themselves.

    Then there are people out there who have tremendous potential, but no capacity for emotion, which is another kind of illness. What would it be like to be unable to put yourself in another's shoes, or to be unable to feel remorse?

    Some little nitpicks - I think you need to say "that must be A revered talent." and "I can't BreathE without a taste." I also think the last three lines read awkward, but only because of the phrasing. Perhaps even some punctuation would help in this case, or maybe bracketing "no fights, no butterflies," because after this line, I seem to lose the connection to the third-last.

    But yeah, I feel it.

    Bye for now

    | Posted on 2010-09-01 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi long time no read. I think my poem “Déjà vu” could be my answer on your l"Perspective Erosion" . Wel doen with this one a true story as it goes. . joachim
    | Posted on 2010-09-01 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    186831

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Ten Poems written by Wolfwatching
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    Wavelength written by saartha
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Hollow Points written by RequiemOfDreams
    cleverly shunned written by CrypticBard
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    In My Head written by faideddarkness
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Bond written by saartha
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Unfortunate Reality written by TeslaKoyal
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    You Make Me speechless written by elephantasia
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Incubus written by monad
    In the Mouth of Elysium written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Date night written by expiring_touch
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked
    To Glow written by krs3332003

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry