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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perspective Erosiondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Celeste J. Bell
    ASL Info:    27 Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 261/310/148
    Words: 120
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 397
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 775



    Description:
       just feel it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerspective Erosiondots
    -------------------------------------------


    you manage to leave emotion

    out of every word escaping

    from your mouth

    that must be revered talent somewhere

    wanted by someone. someone out there.

    someone not like me

    someone out of their skin

    I feel dirty underneath you

    it takes weeks to wash the filth from my skin

    but the smell has become addictive

    I can't breath without a taste

    of the man you could have been

    the longer I carry your voice in my heart

    the more it eats me alive

    the promise of no more memories

    no fights, no butterflies

    crushes my will to let you go




    Submitted on 2010-08-31 21:12:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      you manage to leave emotion

    out of every word escaping your mouth

    that must be (a) revered talent somewhere

    wanted by someone. someone out there.

    someone (un)like me

    someone out of their skin

    I feel dirty underneath you

    it takes weeks to wash the filth from my skin

    but the smell has become addictive

    I can't breath without a taste

    of the man you could have been

    the longer I carry your voice in my heart

    the more it eats me alive

    the promise of no more memories

    no fights, no butterflies

    crushes my will to let you go


    This is a brutal and powerful vision of "what might have been" as it eats someone alive while they relive the agony in a closed loop that can't be erased.

    Nice. Chillingly nice.
    Bill
    | Posted on 2010-09-05 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi, Celeste:)

    This sounds to me like a woman in love with a man's potential. I have fallen into this trap before. Until I realized everyone has potential - but not everyone has what it takes to do something with it.

    My last relationship was heartbreaking. Watching a man slowly suffer. Seeing what could have been... and what wasn't. You can only do so much for a person who won't do for themselves.

    Then there are people out there who have tremendous potential, but no capacity for emotion, which is another kind of illness. What would it be like to be unable to put yourself in another's shoes, or to be unable to feel remorse?

    Some little nitpicks - I think you need to say "that must be A revered talent." and "I can't BreathE without a taste." I also think the last three lines read awkward, but only because of the phrasing. Perhaps even some punctuation would help in this case, or maybe bracketing "no fights, no butterflies," because after this line, I seem to lose the connection to the third-last.

    But yeah, I feel it.

    Bye for now

    | Posted on 2010-09-01 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi long time no read. I think my poem “Déjà vu” could be my answer on your l"Perspective Erosion" . Wel doen with this one a true story as it goes. . joachim
    | Posted on 2010-09-01 00:00:00 | by Joachim | [ Reply to This ]


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