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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cricketsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: daughterofdeath
    ASL Info:    23/Female/West Virginia
    Elite Ratio:    4.68 - 277/293/232
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 454
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 665



    Description:
       Just to clear up the Zeus part for people who aren't a freaky Greek mythology nerd like I am.

    Classic Meaning of Soulmates
    The concepts of soulmates arose from Greek mythology. According to the story, our ancestors once had 2 heads, 4 arms. They did something to offend a god so that god punished them by splitting them down the middle, resulting in the creation of humans. As a punishment, we are condemned to spend our lives searching for the other half, our soulmates.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCricketsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I love to sit
    by an open window
    after a storm
    and listen to the crickets.
    Sounds of their happiness
    surrounds me,
    And I envy them.
    I want to chirp in happiness,
    Sound off in relief.
    But the only noise I hear
    and will ever hear
    is the sound of the cricket.
    How can I sing my song
    of joy and happiness
    if I don't have my voice?
    How can I see the fallen rain
    without my eyes?
    And how can I love
    without my heart?
    Zeus has cursed me,
    so I walk this earth alone.
    Watching the rain
    and listening to the crickets.




    Submitted on 2010-09-03 11:36:15     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      "Man's original body having been cut in two, each half yearned for the half that had been severed.....Love is simply the name of for the desire and pursuit of the whole." -Aristophanes' speech; Plato's Symposium

    This is mournfully written, and I love the language of longing that you've utilized, it is very expressive.

    However, I did notice that you used 'happiness' three times in this rather brief piece... www.rhymezone.com
    to find some synonyms or different words entirely that will still convey what you want to get across so you're not overusing the one word... :)

    Other than that, and the suggestions made by Erin, it looks great, just some small edits and it shall glow!
    Love it!
    ~Syn
    | Posted on 2011-06-29 00:00:00 | by Syn | [ Reply to This ]
      A few minor tweaks I think is all this needs.

    Sounds of their happiness
    surround me

    ...no "s," because you have already pluralized "sounds."

    I think it would sound better if you would say:
    I want to chirp with happiness
    as opposed to "in" happiness.

    I would recommend
    "How can I sing a song of joy and happiness without my voice;"
    a instead of my (because you have used my already in the lines below,) and "without" to stay in keeping with the other lines. I also think it would be best to try to keep the language on the old-fashioned side, especially with the mention of an ancient character like Zeus, and the feeling of endlessness behind the piece.

    What exquisite torture would it be to have to wander the world alone for eternity, with the only sensation you are able to feel, or sound you are able to hear, the cheerful (or mournful, however you see it,) raspings of the cricket and the falling of rain.

    Like the story about the soul mates. It added an interesting twist to your story. I have heard it before, but never mind hearing these things again. It's only recently I've really been looking more carefully at Greek mythology. Fascinating stuff.


    Bye for now,
    Erin
    | Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]


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