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    dots Submission Name: Wild Rosedots

    Author: daughterofdeath
    ASL Info:    23/Female/West Virginia
    Elite Ratio:    4.68 - 277/293/232
    Words: 181
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 401
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1223


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWild Rosedots

    I can't be the delicate flower
    that you love so much
    and that you search for.
    Sweet as candy,
    a perfect little angel.
    Someone that expects you
    to wait on them hand and foot.
    Clings on to you and hold,
    so afraid you'll leave
    and never come back.

    I can't be the sweet little daisy
    you want so much
    and so desperately need.
    So soft and delicate,
    beautiful petals
    staring back at you.
    Tip toe around this one,
    because the tears come fast.
    Pain comes so easily
    and shown to the world.

    I can't be your delicate flower,
    your sweet daisy.
    I am untamed,
    the wild rose.
    I can be just as sweet,
    until you get to my thorns.
    I don't cry but fight.
    But you know this
    and you know me.

    The daisy won't grow,
    and it dies over and over.
    But you refuse to try the rose,
    So I give you thorns.
    Its pointless,
    but my only satisfaction.
    Watch it all fail
    brings me closer to my misery
    and digs my thorns
    deeper into your side.

    Submitted on 2010-09-04 01:45:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think some of your lines are good. I think the poem is a bit dragged out to be honest, but each stanza seems more resonant on it's own. Maybe the repetition isn't working for me but how well ever thanks for the read it had some really good parts:)
    | Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Although I like the idea, I think this could use some polishing. A pull here and a yank there and you could get something quite good.

    Personally I like poems that show the sinister qualities of beautiful things, or vice versa.

    I think my biggest quibble with a piece like this is the ordinary language. "To wait on them hand and foot," and "staring back at you" are two places I noticed this right away. Not only are these very common phrases, but also they are written in a casually conversational vernacular that is not entirely poetic.

    This is not to say I'm against saying things plainly in poetry, just that there can be more fitting or desirable ways to say them.

    Even with the phrases "sweet as candy," and "a perfect little angel," there might be ways you could spice it up, all the while drawing away from the common. That said, I understand how hard it can be when you have written something to change it. Sometimes there almost seems to be a mental block as far as trying to come up with something else.

    But that's what we're here for!:)

    Could you think of any other things that are sweet besides candy? What about juice, or fruit, or even something that is not food? Or perfect as a... is there something else (besides a baby, maybe) you could think of that is perfect and innocent? How about a fluffy little chick, or a shiny molded silver spoon, or any number of other things?

    I wouldn't mind helping further with this if you would like. I have some revisions in mind, but I'm not sure how far you want to take it.

    I find that when I write a first draft, it's often frank and without flair. It's when I go back to do the revision that I often think of other ways to bring the art to centre stage while keeping the meaning the same.

    Bye for now,
    | Posted on 2010-09-04 00:00:00 | by Soul-Hugger | [ Reply to This ]

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