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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Incomplete Fireside Mockerydots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Celeste J. Bell
    ASL Info:    27 Indiana
    Elite Ratio:    3.84 - 261/310/148
    Words: 76
    Class/Type: Misc/Dark
    Total Views: 483
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 552



    Description:
       it doesn't feel complete yet. don't know where this came from or why..


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsIncomplete Fireside Mockerydots
    -------------------------------------------


    Quiet.
    The mucus membranes are splitting,
    sucking as they pull away from the surface.
    Smoke hanging in the air,
    polluting,
    rolling in the tombs of those waiting to die.
    With headstones reserving the plot
    and standing tall,
    silent.

    The splintered bones are crackling in the fire.
    A tongue can smell
    as the nose tastes blood seeping
    slowly from pulsing wounds.
    The shadows are dancing,
    weaving like fools
    against the peeled paper of walls.




    Submitted on 2010-09-08 22:27:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    I found this interest and very contained. I think there are two ways you can go with this: Either consolidate it into a shorter version of itself, or expand it to provide a little more insight/variation and the theme that you have going. As it reads now, the second stanza seems largely elaboration of the first stanza, which is usually how it goes, however it lacks. I want to say give it more or less. It's like it's at that awkward pubescent stage, if that makes sense.

    That said, I do like the grimness and even grotesqueness of your imagery, especially with the first stanza, and the turbulence of it. I do have a couple small thoughts to throw out there. This is mostly with the heavy use of the present participle, the "ing".

    "The mucus membranes are splitting,
    sucking as they pull away from the surface.
    Smoke hanging in the air,
    polluting,
    rolling in the tombs of those waiting to die."

    Maybe:

    "The mucus membranes split,
    sucking as they pull away from the surface.
    Smoke hangs in the air,
    polluting,
    rolling in the tombs of those waiting to die."

    I also really appreciating your line breaks here. You have divided them just right. Also wonder if you would consider repeating "quiet" instead of using "silent", this way it rounds back to itself, reiterating directly, rather than with a synonym which reads more like an avoidance of using the same word twice.

    I also really like your title.

    Anyway, sorry to be nit-picky. All thoughts for you to leave or take.

    -Emeya
    | Posted on 2010-09-11 00:00:00 | by Lady of Shalott | [ Reply to This ]


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