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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: keeldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 294
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 618
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1848



    Description:
       about: a believer's struggle with doubt. the title is in reference to the keel of a boat or ship, which is essentially the first piece used to build a vessel.

    feedback: no technical critiques, please. just thoughts and honest feelings.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotskeeldots
    -------------------------------------------


    rented out a savior
    too broke to pay for repair
    buried a brother and a secret
    i am scared to death of losing something
    i have held onto with the weakest of strings
    would you find it too cliché
    if i said, 'i haven't began to start sleeping'
    bloodshot eyes, sockets like battle scars
    i dig into these blankets
    begging for relief or a purpose

    would you send me to hell
    if I did something I can't begin to be proud of
    could you let me in heaven
    if I didn't move in just the right way
    god, i'm so afraid that i'm wrong
    and they're right about you

    laid low a brother
    now i'm high on these regrets
    i am made of the worst possible material
    sown together for amusement or a reason
    your intentions like the sea
    taking on water, first mate on a sinking ship
    clinging to anything familiar,
    disappointment and the bulkhead
    looking out for you walking on the waters
    but i am yet to leave dry land

    would you send me to hell
    if I did something I can't begin to be proud of
    could you let me in heaven
    if I didn't move in just the right way
    god, i'm so afraid that i'm wrong
    and they're right about you

    if you put yourself in my shoes
    would you be too sad to carry on
    if i put myself in yours
    would they be comforting and imaginary

    would you send me to hell
    if I did something I can't begin to be proud of
    could you let me in to heaven
    if I didn't move in just the right way
    god, i'm so afraid that i'm wrong
    and they're right about you




    Submitted on 2010-09-09 16:18:36     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Usually I dont like repetition so much. But here i do. I especially like the stanza:

    "would you send me to hell
    if I did something I can't begin to be proud of
    could you let me in heaven
    if I didn't move in just the right way
    god, i'm so afraid that i'm wrong
    and they're right about you"

    its so poignant and full of that sense of hopeless that you can almost taste the doubt on your tongue as you read it. I have felt something similar after making my own less than glorifying mistakes, crying as I told my mother what I had done, waiting for her hate and her disappoinment. The salt from my tears gathered at the corner of my lips, really the taste of the disbelief in anything more than the wrongness that was me. youve brought it back. not something i particularly want to feel. but it says a lot about your writing if youre able to evoke such a reaction.

    the good news is that my mother did act opposite of what i thought. she understood.

    thanks for the write.
    | Posted on 2010-09-13 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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