Inside my head a pressure, almost like a gas leak left unattended; a need dark and insidious, slowly fills up all the cracks and empty spaces, anxiously awaiting the smallest spark to ignite.
The longer the thought sits there, the harder it becomes to say no. I want it so bad I can feel it burning in my veins; I could give in to it. It would be so much easier to give in. To have one hit-
No. I can’t give in; Not after coming this far: I’ve already made it through the hard part letting it go- the sickness, the shakes. I know better than to give into that tantalizing whisper- just one. No, I can’t give in.
I can hear it whispering in the shadows and somehow I feel like standing still will make me easier to find. So I start to pace, back and forth, back and forth; I’m pacing. I don't know if I'm more anxious that it will catch up to me or that I have a fighting chance... If I keep moving, maybe I can stay in front of it, maybe I won't have to find out – just maybe I can stay in control. One, two, three, four, pivot. I count as I turn round and round to keep me sane; to keep my mind on something other than the thing I don’t want to want. I stop pacing and I start to run. If I run fast enough, maybe it won’t catch me. Maybe I can leave it behind me, in that place where I was, and not bring it with me, where I’m headed.
As fast as my legs will carry me, I run into the direction I’m facing; I need to get away; far, far away from it. Away from shady faces that smell my crumbling determination; faces that seem to slither out from the fringes in the encroaching darkness with their knowing eyes, and lying smiles. “Hey girl, haven’t seen you in awhile. I know what you need…” I can hear their mocking words; I can taste the sweet rush, oh! I can’t, I can’t, I can’t! I’ll never make it back again if I give in. There would be no point; Might as well rot, wrapped inside the pleasure of it. I need to get away; I can’t let it take control. -----
My heavy feet, slapping against the sidewalk, barely register as I try to push past my burning chest and convoluted feelings. I can’t run much further and I can’t seem to run fast enough to get away. The pressure, like the shadows, is still there- growing; elongating with the setting sun and like a noose is wrapping tighter, more firmly around me. -----
As the days light slips beneath the horizon I am at my door, fumbling with my keys. My body is weary; I couldn’t run a single step further if I tried, and this desire still sears my veins, despite my effort. I’ll be safer, tucked away inside, out of sight from the dark corners that know me by name. Maybe, I can lock it outside and sleep will conquer these demons for me, maybe, it could be that easy.
Maybes echo through my head, as I slam shut and lock the door behind me. I won’t let it in. I won’t let it get the best of me. Not tonight. My body aches from the running and aches even more from the wanting. I wish I had the willpower to sink down against the door, immovable in my stance; to know that I won’t open it back up, and rush towards my destruction with open arms, but I am afraid that I do not.
My body trembles with desire as another craving sweeps through me; I clench my fists and clench my jaw. ”No! No! NO!” I want to scream as loudly as possible. I want to shout, rant, and rave until it goes away. I want to fight this!
I sprint to the bathroom sink and splash cool water on my face; against the current of thoughts I am ebbing. “There’s fight left in you yet” I say aloud to convince myself I still have control. But in the mirror, I see more than the water dripping off the end of my nose. I can see the dark invitation of the deceptive rabbit hole waiting for me to slip back inside of it.
I can see the hunger in my hollow eyes, like a starving tiger pacing behind bars, smelling an open wound. I imagine it on its hunches ready to jump, to maul, and to utterly destroy- I stumble back, away from the mirror until I hit the cracked, yellow tiled wall behind me. The pent-up breath I’ve been holding comes rushing out and I start to slide down the wall as tears spill down my face.
Desperately, I try grabbing a hold anything, other than this terrible need. I try to focus on my breath; in - out. One, two, three… But it’s not enough. I can feel myself faltering, almost ready to submit, to call it quits. I can feel that yearning, burning in my belly and it is too much. It is too much. How many times can I say no before I finally give in? Why should I say no when it would be so much easier to give in?