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    dots Submission Name: Lonelydots

    Author: monad
    ASL Info:    64/M/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1092/410/117
    Words: 251
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 710


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    The empty silent house seems so devoid of scenery
    Sullen shadows and somber echoes that bring no joy to me
    Outside the door the meadow beckons springtime's greenery
    On the shaded porch I stand in quiet revelry

    The wind that whispers through the trees brings reminiscent dreams
    And new thoughts born of yesterday's less vacant lonely scenes
    Restless deep emotions that make my true life seem so lean
    Mourning sunset's fading beauty , colder soon is all it means

    Submitted on 2010-09-15 19:01:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      The first 2 lines of the second verse are untouchable. In my opinion they make this poem what it is. Which seems to be outright neglect towards seeing the beauty in things. But im not saying this is how you view your life but it is a great way to express the way someone feels when theyre angry at the world and nothing can make you happy
    | Posted on 2014-07-10 00:00:00 | by kase | [ Reply to This ]
      Sorry, forgot I put a sad face here. It is quite sad, I could feel it, if you know what I mean. It's a great write, but it's kind of depressing, sorta... Anyway, I do like this. I hope I can understand more of your works. The last two lines REALLY hit me, for some unknown reason.
    | Posted on 2014-01-02 00:00:00 | by TeslaKoyal | [ Reply to This ]
    | Posted on 2013-12-29 00:00:00 | by TeslaKoyal | [ Reply to This ]
      I believe the sunset is a reminder of how beautiful life can be, the wind blowing threw the tree's is like life blowing today and yesterday, while standing on the porch looking about life, should be the time for prayer and to be thankful, life is short before you know it your gone, so my friend Ive read the write and enjoyed your lifes thoughts, take care and love well, God bless

    | Posted on 2013-02-14 00:00:00 | by theinforment | [ Reply to This ]
      this poem whispers to me...and the tone gets smoother in my poetic ear as the poem goes on.

    and it really is visual...outside, green, rich, full--
    inside the opposite...lean, vacant, winter..

    like my life is so barren and sad..i can't appreciate the beauty around me...i don't want to admire it...i have no love in my life...and for me it's getting colder not warmer.

    like this...has something about it that lets us wander down our own path towards the season we feel.
    | Posted on 2011-03-09 00:00:00 | by jacoberin | [ Reply to This ]
      I think I enjoyed this piece of yours better than the others I have read from you.
    I'm sure the easier vocabulary has something to do with it.
    But, certainly, that isnt it entirely.

    Your first stanza paints a familiar picture; almost iconic. Lonely is empty and sullen; shadowy even in a green meadow.
    I find the power of the piece is in it's second stanza. You somehow capture the degrees of loneliness...a progression of depth of feeling along with a stewpot of time in memories, dreams, and hopes. (hopes being the new thoughts born)
    You've said a lot in two stanzas; and it was an impression in unique hues, rather than a blunt expression...that seems to be the real strength in the piece. You've shown rather than told.

    Good stuff, Bruce!
    | Posted on 2010-11-17 00:00:00 | by latentlylyrical | [ Reply to This ]
      You do a great job of expressing a powerful image and feeling in just two stanzas, which is really all you need. It's really easy for the reader to fill in their own picture of what you are describing. I imagine a sort of run-down house in an almost desolate place, almost in black and white. My favorite line is "And new thoughts born of yesterday's less vacant lonely scenes," although it is strange to say that they are less vacant and lonely at the same time. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2010-11-05 00:00:00 | by dancer-of-words | [ Reply to This ]
      hi bruce,

    i liked that the modifiers of the first line make it choppy,
    and it's kind of cool to have them describing emptiness,

    if that was intentional then i appreciate the touch. it's also nice how that initial choppiness gives way to the rhythm/resolution that seems to follow toward the end of each line.

    toward the end:

    And new thoughts born of yesterday's less vacant lonely scenes
    Restless deep emotions

    i feel there's a bit much of that going on (modifiers) and yet i follow the logic of the phrasing.

    restless / deep makes you think of water and the two things are at odds but again, i don't know if that's a bad thing.... it's interesting.

    my favourite part of the poem is:

    emotions that make my true life seem so lean
    Mourning sunset's fading beauty colder soon is all it means

    there you've got the effect of the sun going down and body weight, the less body weight you have the sooner you will feel the cold so there's a romantic notion (sunset) with a less than romantic comparison.

    that's kind of hard nosed and the contrast is lovely. sad but lovely.
    | Posted on 2010-10-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      I have no doubt that your description will hit many a chord with those who read this. Very profound and certainly hits the spot.

    | Posted on 2010-10-02 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]

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