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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The Questdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: monad
    ASL Info:    64/M/California
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 1083/406/116
    Words: 295
    Class/Type: Poetry/Me
    Total Views: 786
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 875



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe Questdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Along the endless primal shore
    I walk across the sandy floor
    To quest the riddle of the door
    The seed of life's infinite core

    Countless waves bring the force of rhyme
    To all the colors that I find
    Reflecting in the sea of time
    The yesterdays it leaves behind

    The puzzle melds into collage
    The vagaries of truth's mirage
    What culmination could assuage
    It's mighty rambling barrage

    The repetitions cycle on
    To form the tambour of the dawn
    I sing a simple flowing song
    Of what I'd be before too long





    Submitted on 2010-09-15 19:05:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      hi thanx for the comment on hobo thats alot of words to use to say you liked again thanx
    i am not as technical as the other comments the title is why i read it and i enjoyed reading
    you out it together very well i am not a critic or a poet either but liked what i read

    sandman
    | Posted on 2011-07-18 00:00:00 | by sandman | [ Reply to This ]
      Preamble:

    Rhyme is what drew me to words
    it is part of what draws me to these.
    Herein I surmise you have a combination
    of accentual syllabic verse and accentual meter.

    Opening argument:

    A Long /the End/less Prim/al Shore
    a perfect iambic tetrameter of accentual syllabic
    verse. Moreover when I read it I can
    place a caesura between (endless and
    Primal) This is an aspect of accentual meter
    a verse far more primal.

    Complicating argument:

    Countless/ Waves Bring/ the Force/ of Rhyme
    Trochee/ Spondee/ followed by two iambs
    with
    a caesura between (bring and the) Now my inclination
    is to read this line with only four real stresses,
    regardless of the fact that it has five. The reason for
    this is because of its accentual meter leanings. Therefore
    I eliminate the stress in (countless) I also tend
    to time the poem so that the time spent before the pause is the same as that spent after. (this can and I feel should be done when reading each and every line of the poem.)

    One might argue that (bring) receives slightly more
    stress than (waves) and give it the operant definition
    of an Iamb, however I am not going for it.

    Supporting argument:

    Besides this line falls into a similar pattern.
    To Form/ the Tam/bour of/ the Dawn.
    Iamb/Iamb/Trochee/Iamb, Tambour by itself would
    be a spondee it therefore lends the stress for the
    Trochee instead of making it an anapestic foot.
    However since I am allowing a merging of meters
    the old and the new, the line works for me.

    Therefore my conclusion:

    I am perfectly happy to let this poem
    stand on its own merits it works well as a fusion of
    the old with the new. Chefs do it with food and Poets
    such as T. S. Eliot and Wystan Hugh Auden did it when
    it suited them.

    Besides all that, I like it just the way it is.






    | Posted on 2011-01-15 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]
      oki, i won't perform technical critique, as have previous reviewers (plus, i am not a technical poet, or really even a poet :).

    my overall "impression", is that the poem is fussy on word choice and dedication to finding a rhyme.

    however, the message that underpins is beautiful, timeless and the expression of a philosopher.

    oh! and i absolutely love the last two lines:-
    'I sing a simple flowing song
    Of what I'd be before too long.'

    this, i can relate to - but will suggest that 'i'd', be swapped for 'i'll'.

    well done ;)

    biska
    | Posted on 2010-10-08 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ]
      This is an excellent, sophisticated piece. It shows you have a storng command of the english language and paints a beautiful imagery for something otherwise without picture. I particularly like the last line of the first stanza which was an excellent exemplification of an idea put to something tangible.

    Very well done.

    Peace, love, some jazz
    Ren
    | Posted on 2010-09-29 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ]
      -Countless waves bring force of rhyme
    -The indefiniteness of truth's mirage
    -Of what I would be before to long

    Those three lines do not fit with the 8-syllable theme, being 7, 10, and 9 syllables respectively. And of course, they don't match the iambic tetrameter you've got going on. The rest are good, though.

    The first two lines are awkward, as you say 'along' twice. Plus, simply by saying 'shore' you imply 'sand', so the second line seems superfluous.

    I really like the line 'To form the tambour of the dawn'. What lovely sound-imagery that is.

    | Posted on 2010-09-18 00:00:00 | by saartha | [ Reply to This ]
      The last line has nine syllables instead of eight.
    | Posted on 2010-09-17 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      The last line needs some work to fit in better. The rest is superb to the extent it reminds me of some of my own work with regards to both thought and rhyme. Then too we are the same age so maybe it's our shared sense of history at work. Too little rhyme seen these days, so good work in keeping things going.

    I don't know what causes all the funny scribblies on some of the words once it's posted.
    | Posted on 2010-09-16 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      I remember being a school trip to Florida, the first time I was old enough to appreciate seeing the ocean. It was dark and the sky melded with waves, and the world seemed infinite. We were allowed to walk along the beach till curfew. I chose to wander off on my own. I was fifteen and had had a hard time the previous few months back home, and it seemed like my past was so heavy and my future seemed like a big question mark. Its at this time that I started writing..hearing those waves, rhythm of it slapping the sands, turning my feelings into words. Your poem here just reminded me of what one of my first pieces was about, I scribbled it on grid paper on the cramped busride back to kentucky. Thank you for the write.
    | Posted on 2010-09-15 00:00:00 | by SincerWritinAsh | [ Reply to This ]


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