hi thanx for the comment on hobo thats alot of words to use to say you liked again thanx
i am not as technical as the other comments the title is why i read it and i enjoyed reading
you out it together very well i am not a critic or a poet either but liked what i read
Rhyme is what drew me to words
it is part of what draws me to these.
Herein I surmise you have a combination
of accentual syllabic verse and accentual meter.
A Long /the End/less Prim/al Shore
a perfect iambic tetrameter of accentual syllabic
verse. Moreover when I read it I can
place a caesura between (endless and
Primal) This is an aspect of accentual meter
a verse far more primal.
Countless/ Waves Bring/ the Force/ of Rhyme
Trochee/ Spondee/ followed by two iambs
a caesura between (bring and the) Now my inclination
is to read this line with only four real stresses,
regardless of the fact that it has five. The reason for
this is because of its accentual meter leanings. Therefore
I eliminate the stress in (countless) I also tend
to time the poem so that the time spent before the pause is the same as that spent after. (this can and I feel should be done when reading each and every line of the poem.)
One might argue that (bring) receives slightly more
stress than (waves) and give it the operant definition
of an Iamb, however I am not going for it.
Besides this line falls into a similar pattern.
To Form/ the Tam/bour of/ the Dawn.
Iamb/Iamb/Trochee/Iamb, Tambour by itself would
be a spondee it therefore lends the stress for the
Trochee instead of making it an anapestic foot.
However since I am allowing a merging of meters
the old and the new, the line works for me.
Therefore my conclusion:
I am perfectly happy to let this poem
stand on its own merits it works well as a fusion of
the old with the new. Chefs do it with food and Poets
such as T. S. Eliot and Wystan Hugh Auden did it when
it suited them.
This is an excellent, sophisticated piece. It shows you have a storng command of the english language and paints a beautiful imagery for something otherwise without picture. I particularly like the last line of the first stanza which was an excellent exemplification of an idea put to something tangible.
The last line needs some work to fit in better. The rest is superb to the extent it reminds me of some of my own work with regards to both thought and rhyme. Then too we are the same age so maybe it's our shared sense of history at work. Too little rhyme seen these days, so good work in keeping things going.
I don't know what causes all the funny scribblies on some of the words once it's posted.
I remember being a school trip to Florida, the first time I was old enough to appreciate seeing the ocean. It was dark and the sky melded with waves, and the world seemed infinite. We were allowed to walk along the beach till curfew. I chose to wander off on my own. I was fifteen and had had a hard time the previous few months back home, and it seemed like my past was so heavy and my future seemed like a big question mark. Its at this time that I started writing..hearing those waves, rhythm of it slapping the sands, turning my feelings into words. Your poem here just reminded me of what one of my first pieces was about, I scribbled it on grid paper on the cramped busride back to kentucky. Thank you for the write.