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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Grandfatherdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: coloredstone
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 99/60/37
    Words: 487
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 217
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 2867



    Description:
       First draft, longest poem I ever wrote, and very wild as of yet. Advice about word shoice, sentence construction and such is greatly appreciated, as well as what you thought/how it made you feel.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsGrandfatherdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I.

    But you were invincible!
    Your giant, lanky frame rising past my head,
    Your short grey hairs and long white beard,
    Your spirit, bold and strong
    --Fighting fearlessly, making friends, encompassing errands--
    Inspired the rest of us.

    Yes, you were old; but you were never unable.
    Your past came like pages from a legend,
    Your present, a continuation of that adventure.
    Your hands, wrinkled and brown
    --Soldering pipe, joining wires, sawing wood--
    Pressed gently on my shoulders.

    When you talked, everyone listened.
    Your jokes caused a tsunami of laughter,
    Your words sparked conversation and debate.
    Your layered voice, with it ups and downs
    --Speaking softly, claiming loudly, chuckling heartily--
    Echoed beautifully in our hearts.

    The story of your life was a story to be heard.
    You were the everyday man who worked hard,
    Who saw the things that the welltodo did not.
    Your eyes, behind those handsome specs,
    --Laughing solemnly, enduring bravely, remembering wistfully--
    Looked upon us with endearment.

    How could a man like you be overcome
    By something as commonplace as Cancer?
    Surely a soul so strong can fight this beast.
    But we see you now, as you recline,
    --thinking quietly, laughing feebly, watching sadly--
    As though you have already lost the battle.

    II.

    Victory is not only achieved
    By conquering the enemy physically.
    True conquest is in the best acceptance

    Live life as it lets you, but you make your rules
    Laugh with all your might, for goodness prevails all evil
    Love all and everything, for love is the root of all joy, and

    Never be afraid to think, never be afraid to speak.
    Never be afraid to accept, never be afraid to believe.
    Never be afraid to decide, never choose to be unhappy.

    You raised our parents with proper care like a father should
    And in our turn spoiled us as a proper grandfather does
    Now we surround you, all your own, here for you.

    Remember consistently and with no end, for God is our Master
    Praise Him, for His blessings both masked and evident
    Have Patience, for truly, sweet is its fruit, and

    Never be afraid to look behind, never be afraid to look ahead.
    Never be afraid to anticipate, never be afraid to let go.
    Never be afraid to pray, never be afraid to hope.

    And never forget that we too fight,
    (Your battle is ours
    Our battle yours)
    We stand in rows right behind you.




    Submitted on 2010-09-21 10:37:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is excellent! It is a noble tribute, a song to goodness and greatness from a "not so ordinary" man, showing that class descends from character and not from wealth. It is absolutely beautiful in its' mood and message, and anyone would be greatly honored to have a poem such as this dedicated to them.
    | Posted on 2010-09-26 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      You have written two poems here. The first is a good heartfelt response about your grandfather. You should have stopped there. We all had grandfathers and could empathize with you.
    The second chunk of writing is not a poem. It is preaching, sermonizing and essentially a lot of rather trite religious sentiment. Religion is by and large not fit subject for poetry and not simply because readers of other beliefs would disagree profoundly with you. Religion has been used so much in "sacred" texts, in hymns and chants and prayers, so that the language of religion is generally completely unoriginal and you commit plagiarism everytime you make a religious utterance.
    | Posted on 2010-09-21 00:00:00 | by hanuman | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay colored, I am going to comment on the second one first iA.

    "Victory is not only achieved
    By conquering the enemy physically.
    True conquest is in the best acceptance"

    Yes the first stanza is a pretty good opening but it gets better.

    "Live life as it lets you, but you make your rules
    Laugh with all your might, for goodness prevails all evil
    Love all and everything, for love is the root of all joy, and"

    At first I did not like this stanza, but now I read at as optimism and a sort of strength. Also, I like how the 'and' is seperate from the next stanza.

    "Never be afraid to think, never be afraid to speak.
    Never be afraid to accept, never be afraid to believe.
    Never be afraid to decide, never choose to be unhappy."

    Now this line is golden. It seems very feelingful.

    "You raised our parents with proper care like a father should
    And in our turn spoiled us as a proper grandfather does
    Now we surround you, all your own, here for you."

    The second line rocks. I love the third line. It shows that some battles, though they seem physical, can be fought by the relatives and friends of the person affected as well as the person themself.

    "Remember consistently and with no end, for God is our Master
    Praise Him, for His blessings both masked and evident
    Have Patience, for truly, sweet is its fruit, and"

    The wording here is very image-provoking. Again the 'and' is seperate.

    "Never be afraid to look behind, never be afraid to look ahead.
    Never be afraid to anticipate, never be afraid to let go.
    Never be afraid to pray, never be afraid to hope."

    This stanza sounds very comforting. It reminds of a window that has nice golden light coming in.

    "And never forget that we too fight,
    (Your battle is ours
    Our battle yours)
    We stand in rows right behind you."

    Thumbs up! A very nice conclusion. I would give this one a five!
    | Posted on 2010-09-21 00:00:00 | by IYusuf | [ Reply to This ]


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