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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Concentricdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Soul-Hugger
    ASL Info:    33/F/Canada
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 401/217/62
    Words: 57
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 722
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 517



    Description:
       I think this could be taken much farther but I don't know how.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsConcentricdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Ripples on water:
    stones thrown
    carelessly
    skip
    or
    sink
    waves flow over
    sand-clay-stone
    tear trees from banks
    transport
    and break

    Ripples on air:
    words tossed
    mindlessly
    glance
    or
    blow
    waves surge over
    ears-mind-being
    seep into seams
    uphold
    and negate

    They say the single soft flutter
    of a butterfly's wings
    can cause a storm.




    Submitted on 2010-09-21 14:31:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ok, cool, you've come back and posted some blog info, it's the weekend and I'm landed here at your work.

    I like the potential in the layout here.
    If you mess around with the layouts, that can be frustrating, but also it's time spent in the poem and because each word has a relationship to those previous and next and because of the potential for each word to be new and inject things like support, offshoot, conundrum etcs then it's not actually a bad thing that poems are incredibly hard to get to sit right when you are ESing. I think. It's often that by the time you get it right or have just confirmed for the umpteenth time that you could not get it right another relationship will present itself.

    I'll say this holds in its 'as is' state a lot goodstuff. It's a bit fascinating. And, I yup, I think it could benefit from some tinkering too.

    Ripples on water:
    stones thrown
    carelessly
    skip
    or
    sink

    I like this beginning, the idea that the harmony or inharmony of our actions creates a result regardless of its nearness to perfection. With that in mind the skip was great and the sink was probably a bit obvious. Shank in golf is where the ball goes off wildly, often three fairways from where you stood with your 3 iron. So, I love your idea of this waves flow over thing being able to cover up such an ugly imperfection or a realization moment -in perfection.
    That's deep. Get where I'm going with this? I think it elevates the poem to convey the message a little bit unexpectedly and less directly, subtlety I guess.

    waves flow over
    sand-clay-stone
    tear trees from banks

    this is just a very lovely transition from action to reaction and into textures. well done.

    because you have waves flow over
    then sand-clay-stone, that's really nice how it says something about gritty and then soft and then the smoothness of stone, that reinforces that wave movement you achieved in the first section and the dissipation theme also, except it's cool, that in disappearing a reaction (waves flow over) turns into the smoothness of rock. Rock being manifest. Really, that's wonderful and thoughtful.

    I would go: tear. trees from banks.
    Rocks and sands and clays can't be torn so that creates a logic conundrum for the readers conscious/subconscious mind while the action continues with the trees being torn from the banks.

    This is poetry and so if you can have a dividing point where the poem goes back and the poem goes forward and the logical is hinged with the improbable then that is great in my book. Who says poetry can't do what, it's in the craft that the yeoman decides what.

    Maybe now I'll skip over a few sections because by now you will have decided already on certain directions. Even staying put.

    I wrote for a long time on a sonnet board where things are divided into quatrains and octaves and sestets and stuff. One thing a lot of the workshoppers would suggest to each other was flipping around the order of the work, and those outside eyes and ideas often worked by simply changing the order of the poem while still retaining the material.


    What's causal of the storm;
    the soft flutter of the butterflies wings.

    Anyway, this is thoughtful, and exciting to read, and lovely work.

    | Posted on 2012-02-26 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this. i've been on this kick of the butterfly effect and their being something similar in an emotional sense. like a butterfly effect. one of the founding principles of psychology is Mentalism--which is emotional causation. it's all just very interesting and i've been watching alot of lectures online about the subject. anyway this describes that idea perfectly and in such a palpable manner. that's all, just REALLY love the idea here. as far as the wording....meh. it's kind of straight forward. but i think that's important too, instead of taking this particular piece forward, maybe explore some of the variables. don't expand upon the idea, but try to think of examples. i would find that very interesting. at any rate, it's pretty good. and i'm glad i stumbled on this one.
    | Posted on 2010-11-11 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      Don't be mindless or careless about any action you take, or any word you speak, because there is no way to foresee the consequences of being so carefree.

    I like the progression of this. The first stanza being an example, something concrete. Images that we have all experienced so that we have something to relate the second stanza to, which is more abstract.

    A stone thrown into a lake in jest can be devastating to the banks and trees surrounding it,
    So can a word or thought snowball and destroy people, relationships, etc.

    I think the ending is perfect as is. It does leave an unfinished feeling, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing, as it leads the readers to think about what they've just read.

    My thought, at the end of your poem.

    "A stone carelessly thrown, or a word mindlessly spoken...the flutter of a butterfly's wings....What great and terrible things could be accomplished if that stone was hurled, that word screamed....If that butterfly knew the power it had, it could possibly cause the end of the world." I always seem to look at the darker side of things. Maybe that butterfly could bring a storm to a place suffering from draught. Now I'm just being fanciful.

    Beautiful write. I think it ends perfectly. Thanks for sharing.

    ~Krys
    | Posted on 2010-09-24 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the drips concentric circles we sing a mighty tune of the force that has survived the tide to look upon the moon . Pieces of jade in a sun bowl , the purpled crystal queen , the fragments of forever continue with the dream . Islands in the sun , speaking just for fun , of what it is that out survives the truth that hasn't come .

    Bruce
    | Posted on 2010-09-23 00:00:00 | by monad | [ Reply to This ]
      Like the butterfly's wings, looking for a further place to go? This may be one of the cases there the poet starts the ripple and the reader goes on to catch the reflections or echos from any direction he wants. As like for the title, such has been used in both ancient and modern times as an attempt to describe the nature of the universe.
    | Posted on 2010-09-21 00:00:00 | by Blue Monk | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, and in my opinion you shouldn't take this much farther. If you want, you can work on what's already here, but making it longer would be like stretching a rubber band. Just my two cents.
    | Posted on 2010-09-21 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      I read over this and it sounds good. Your words make music and I liked how there was organization. The message though didn't sink in. I guess a deep message cannot be appreciated by merely skimming over. Now, I shall examine it more closely.

    "Ripples on water:
    stones thrown
    carelessly
    skip
    or
    sink
    waves flow over
    sand-clay-stone
    tear trees from banks
    transport
    and break"

    From this I gather that you are saying that a stone thrown in the water can do so much; skip, sink, and even tear trees from banks. Though the effect can be everyday, which is not necessarily not miraculous, the effect can also be of great magnitude for such a small initial action. Good choice in words, and I like the line "sand-clay-stone", how you made use to the hyphen there. Your breaks and punctuation regulate the rhythm and here it evokes speed.

    "Ripples on air:
    words tossed
    mindlessly
    glance
    or
    blow
    waves surge over
    ears-mind-being
    seep into seams
    uphold
    and negate"

    Nice corresponding phrases. Again, "ears-mind-being" catches me the most. To me, this means that words, carelessly spoken, can be ignored, or cause big misunderstandings, changes, etc. What about negate, though?

    "They say the single soft flutter
    of a butterfly's wings
    can cause a storm. "

    It's a good idea to use some clearer words to summarize the theme of the poem at the end. Personally, I think that a stanza specifically meant to be the end of the poem is almost always a good idea. This is what you have done here. However, although you use plenty of description for the butterfly's flutter, your last line seems bare. Try adding a single descriptive word or two to help it evoke feeling and make it more powerful. For example:

    "They say the single soft flutter
    of a butterfly's wings
    can awaken a mighty storm."

    All in all, this was a pretty cool poem. In one word I would describe it as musical.

    S.A.R.
    | Posted on 2010-09-21 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]


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