Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: the sound of ice breakingdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: in shadow
    ASL Info:    22/F/ nightmares
    Elite Ratio:    3.58 - 581/277/103
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 446
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 928



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe sound of ice breakingdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My lungs crystallized in the space between your heart beats,
    your voice was the sound of ice breaking
    every syllable sending shivers down my spine
    bringing me to my knees
    shudders wreaking havoc: arms crossed, legs bent.
    There on the frozen tile you swore that you would hold me
    till the shaking stopped,
    till I could breathe again,
    I was so black and blue I believed every word
    You wrapped yourself around me as I cried…
    as waves of darkness came crashing down on me.
    ...All the frost turned to broken glass when I woke up alone.
    I could still feel where your hands had touched my face.
    The cold seeped into my bones,
    hurting worse than anything,
    i lay on the floor pressing my hands desperately to my ears
    trying to block out the sound of
    ...you promised me...
    echoing against the bare walls




    Submitted on 2010-09-23 08:49:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Hey there, you...
    I can dig it.

    "...All the frost turned to broken glass when I woke up alone."
    Maybe think about taking out the "alone". I know it's a point, but I think it's stronger without it.
    I may be just me- but I keep tripping over the "crystallized" in the first line... I like the image- and I tried to re-word/work it in my head- but nothing sounded better... But my mouth just kind of garbles on that first line.

    I do dig the imagery in this one- I have a whole scenario playing in my head now.

    You're such an Ice-Queen. You should make it snow for me.

    I'm so glad you still write on here! I need to. I've just been too happy to write the things I write. -Guess it's not a BAD thing, but...

    | Posted on 2010-09-25 00:00:00 | by Ceyx | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187139

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Bond written by saartha
    One Thing written by Wolfwatching
    To the King written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Skin of Fables written by ShadowParadox
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Song written by Daniel Barlow
    To Glow written by krs3332003
    Love Can Be... written by HAVENSMITH92
    May 31 2018 written by Chelebel
    Our Cinder Crisis written by SavedDragon
    Be Free written by hybridsongwrite
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    A Sonnet for Nina written by SavedDragon
    Pressure written by hybridsongwrite
    It's been a while written by Sharati_hottie
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    The Promise written by annie0888
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Hopelessly Blind written by ForgottenGraves
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Fathoms of the Lullaby Sea written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Munyonyo written by expiring_touch
    Summer Nights written by ollie_wicked

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry