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    dots Submission Name: coloursdots

    Author: caster
    ASL Info:    31.M.MO
    Elite Ratio:    3.34 - 136/280/161
    Words: 230
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 582
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1378

       about: a relationship.

    feedback: no technical critiques, please. just thoughts and feelings.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    we used to have memories less damaged
    we used to bare so much less pain
    i fell asleep to the sound of you breathing
    and you found rest inside mended veins
    we used to make such jealous love
    i wish we had learned to keep it

    and i wear bloodshot eyes
    and i hear you have come undone
    we made such jealous love
    i wish we had learned to keep it safe

    we used to laugh with the innocence children
    we used to spare each other burning words
    i got off course staring in your eyes
    and you weren't afraid to look in mine
    we used to make such jealous love
    i wish we had learned to keep it

    and i can't stand even the slightest glimpse
    and i hear you burned every picture
    we made such jealous love
    i wish we had learned to keep it safe

    and you used to look like summer,
    but your colours all ran out of your head
    though the symptoms were presenting
    such an obvious ending
    you just kept on screaming at me

    and your colours ran out of your head
    all over the ground and my hands

    and your colours ran out of your head
    i wish we learned to keep it safe
    and the colours ran out of your...head

    Submitted on 2010-09-23 16:11:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      we used to have memories less damaged
    we used to bare so much less pain

    I never understand why the first true love we ever feel never lasts. You would think that it would endure, because it is not tainted with memories of every love before. There's no bitterness or fear. Just wonder and happiness and summer. Your first two lines really caught my attention. They are simple, true, beautiful, and sad.

    we used to make such jealous love
    i wish we had learned to keep it.

    "jealous love" is the perfect term, I think. There is no satisfaction. Passion, yes, but always something to be dissatisfied about. It makes me think of desperation, of clinging, of trying to hold that person and those feelings close to you every second of every day because otherwise nothing is right. It's amazing you can try to hold something so tight, and still cannot manage to keep it.

    The ending image was beautiful. Melancholic.

    I enjoyed this very much. Thanks for sharing.
    | Posted on 2010-09-24 00:00:00 | by was_i_ever_real | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, no technical comments. I think this is a very sad write about the death of love. Also that you are so miserable about it that the misery is forever circling through your head. Some of what you say is hard to understand, such as --- "---found rest inside mended veins"
    I hope your write is a fiction! If not, you have my sympathy.
    A few of my "don't likes" ----- your lack of punctuation and non use of capitals, especially where lowercase i is used for yourself personal. These cannot be called technicalities, they are just plain unpardonable bad grammar. Ted.
    | Posted on 2010-09-23 00:00:00 | by edcherry | [ Reply to This ]

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