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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: At Easedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: EshyFishy
    ASL Info:    21yo mess having crises
    Elite Ratio:    6.92 - 126/123/57
    Words: 328
    Class/Type: Prose/Friendship
    Total Views: 590
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1789



    Description:
       How I feel about my friends (:


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAt Easedots
    -------------------------------------------


    At Ease

    Knowing that I will watch them grow up puts my mind at ease. Knowing that I will grow up with them puts my mind at ease too. They may take this life for granted, they might waste every available opportunity, but watching them smile makes me feel smiley too.
    They may not notice me, just another shadow in their midst, but I can see right through every action, every word spoken. This being said, I am a major hypocrite. I wonder if my words are this transparent.
    I look at them, bundled up in woe, wondering if I can help. I wish. But some journeys are of personal discovery.
    “We’d be so free – happy alone, sharing a smile, so far from home.”
    When push comes to shove.
    They think at times that they are alone, but little do they know, they are surrounded. Surrounded by people. People that love them. Sometimes more than they will ever know.
    There is just one person. That one person that you want to be proud to call your friend. But that person is not your friend. You want to say hello, but you can’t. You’re afraid of being judged. So opt for nothing.
    I look at their faces and just for a moment, I see them in the future. At school graduation. At work. At home. With family. With loved ones. They will be successful. I believe in all of them. Whether they know it or not.
    Three drops of blood.
    I look at myself. A life of solitude. Solitude is bliss. Maybe occasionally I will see them, like a happy sign, a welcoming omen.
    My past will be gone the day I am gone.
    But I want to change the world.
    But I am just a shadow.
    A shadow amongst their midst, watching them grow up. And with them I will grow up too. Knowing this puts my mind at ease. I am at ease.




    Submitted on 2010-10-02 01:34:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      (first impression: confused)

    This is an interesting poem.

    While there are certainly many sections that I like, and the style of the phrasing is nicely straightforward, the content seems a little scattered.

    You contradict yourself at least once:
    "Solitude is bliss" but "You want to say hello, but you can't" and "I want to change the world."

    However, you talk about how you're a hypocrite, so maybe you can play up this contradictory content of the poem and make it a major part. Because I don't believe this poem does a very good job at expressing your main subject (your ease) at all.

    If how at ease you are truly is what you want the poem to be about, I would suggest focusing just on that and concentrating on making your meaning a little clearer and more understandable. As it is, I'm not quite sure what your overall message is.

    Sorry if I'm way off base here.
    | Posted on 2010-10-22 00:00:00 | by WhatYouWill | [ Reply to This ]


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