Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Systemdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BusterLILblock
    ASL Info:    21/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452/270/50
    Words: 83
    Class/Type: Prose/Serious
    Total Views: 607
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 677



    Description:
       Nothing is perfect. Everything could be better.

    Sry stone this is the best i could do!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSystemdots
    -------------------------------------------


    A contraption

    Systematically proceeds,

    Endeavored

    I mold.

    My contraption.

    Perfection.

    Yes.

    Perfection.

    My small sturdy system of life.


    In the morning i awaken

    I glance by the window,

    sits my contraption.

    Flawless.

    Three connections.

    Each paradisiacal

    My eyes move away from it

    looking out of the window.

    Sits a coorperation.

    A coorperation of life,

    I wish i had gone bigger.




    Submitted on 2010-10-04 19:13:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Yay! This is great Fana! Complex even though written in only so many words. Here's what I thought:

    System

    "A contraption

    Systematically proceeds,

    Endeavored

    I mold."

    The first impression on my mind was that of a robotic thing crawling accross a wooden floor, slowly and systematically. Since I have read the poem over, the contraption suggests a symbolism of a way of life, a set of personal schedule and principles. With effort, almost every human is ever molding his/her schedule/life.


    "My contraption.

    Perfection.

    Yes.

    Perfection.

    My small sturdy system of life."

    I like how these lines are short. Like the little occupied blurbs one makes when they're working hard on something. "Yes. Wonderful. Ok. Looking good." And then, it ends with an explanation, as if "viola, this is what I speak of. My small sturdy system of life."

    "In the morning i awaken

    I glance by the window,

    sits my contraption.

    Flawless."

    From this, I gather that every morning one returns to his/her schedule and his/her beliefs, all of which is suspended when we sleep. In sleep, we're all pretty much the same. By the window suggests that your contraption is inside the room, not outside. It's within you, it's yours, from your ideas and made of your labor. Just awoken, it appears flawless.

    "Three connections.

    Each paradisiacal"

    I must say I didn't get the first line here at all. Three connections? But it did intrigue me, because my system poem alsu makes use of the number three: It has three sections. (Did you notice that the first letter of each line spells down system, thrice?) Paradisical. You've got to explain these two lines to me.

    "My eyes move away from it

    looking out of the window."

    And, at some point, one does look away from what one has made, from what one is, to what else there is in the world.

    "Sits a coorperation.

    A coorperation of life, "

    And finds a salad of different ideas, all corresponding nicely in the same bowl.

    "I wish i had gone bigger."

    I thought of a number things from this. The speaker may be wishing to have examined this window view before sculpting his/her own contraption. She may wish that instead of molding a contraption of her own to keep by her window, she had made something that could coexist and work with the cooperation out her window. This is a great finish. It's kind of vague, which is good, because it's like those things people say when they're somewhat disappointed, and you don't really know what it means, because they're thinking something but they just let out a little blurb like this. It makes the poem very personal for a reader.

    Great Write, Fana! Say, would you do this again?
    | Posted on 2010-10-05 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
      The evolution of self I assume thats what you mean in this piece. As humans we always strive for the easy and fast way, thinking that we have don't need to improve ourselves, our states, our beings. Good insight, vague but clear at the same time. cool
    | Posted on 2010-10-04 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187262

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Dream written by closetpoet
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    To the Artist written by HisNameIsNoMore
    The Curtain Call written by faideddarkness
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Gaia written by endlessgame23
    Florida's Autumn Solstice written by closetpoet
    Live In Between written by teika5
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Delicious Stews written by elephantasia
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth written by endlessgame23
    untitled written by Outlaw
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Night- time written by Daniel Barlow
    Deep written by Janesaddiction
    Ciggarettes written by Poetic_tragedy6
    Day 6 written by TheStillSilence
    Meaningless Meanings written by ForgottenGraves
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Vortex: The Imagination That Is written by KeeperOfLight
    (Untitled Song) written by TeslaKoyal

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry