Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password


Author: BusterLILblock
ASL Info:    21/F
Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452 /270 /50
Words: 83
Class/Type: Prose /Serious
Total Views: 1149
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 677


Nothing is perfect. Everything could be better.

Sry stone this is the best i could do!


A contraption

Systematically proceeds,


I mold.

My contraption.




My small sturdy system of life.

In the morning i awaken

I glance by the window,

sits my contraption.


Three connections.

Each paradisiacal

My eyes move away from it

looking out of the window.

Sits a coorperation.

A coorperation of life,

I wish i had gone bigger.

Submitted on 2010-10-04 19:13:22     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  Yay! This is great Fana! Complex even though written in only so many words. Here's what I thought:


"A contraption

Systematically proceeds,


I mold."

The first impression on my mind was that of a robotic thing crawling accross a wooden floor, slowly and systematically. Since I have read the poem over, the contraption suggests a symbolism of a way of life, a set of personal schedule and principles. With effort, almost every human is ever molding his/her schedule/life.

"My contraption.




My small sturdy system of life."

I like how these lines are short. Like the little occupied blurbs one makes when they're working hard on something. "Yes. Wonderful. Ok. Looking good." And then, it ends with an explanation, as if "viola, this is what I speak of. My small sturdy system of life."

"In the morning i awaken

I glance by the window,

sits my contraption.


From this, I gather that every morning one returns to his/her schedule and his/her beliefs, all of which is suspended when we sleep. In sleep, we're all pretty much the same. By the window suggests that your contraption is inside the room, not outside. It's within you, it's yours, from your ideas and made of your labor. Just awoken, it appears flawless.

"Three connections.

Each paradisiacal"

I must say I didn't get the first line here at all. Three connections? But it did intrigue me, because my system poem alsu makes use of the number three: It has three sections. (Did you notice that the first letter of each line spells down system, thrice?) Paradisical. You've got to explain these two lines to me.

"My eyes move away from it

looking out of the window."

And, at some point, one does look away from what one has made, from what one is, to what else there is in the world.

"Sits a coorperation.

A coorperation of life, "

And finds a salad of different ideas, all corresponding nicely in the same bowl.

"I wish i had gone bigger."

I thought of a number things from this. The speaker may be wishing to have examined this window view before sculpting his/her own contraption. She may wish that instead of molding a contraption of her own to keep by her window, she had made something that could coexist and work with the cooperation out her window. This is a great finish. It's kind of vague, which is good, because it's like those things people say when they're somewhat disappointed, and you don't really know what it means, because they're thinking something but they just let out a little blurb like this. It makes the poem very personal for a reader.

Great Write, Fana! Say, would you do this again?
| Posted on 2010-10-05 00:00:00 | by coloredstone | [ Reply to This ]
  The evolution of self I assume thats what you mean in this piece. As humans we always strive for the easy and fast way, thinking that we have don't need to improve ourselves, our states, our beings. Good insight, vague but clear at the same time. cool
| Posted on 2010-10-04 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?