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    dots Submission Name: her greatest dreamdots

    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 535
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 737

       Another one (sonnet, that is.)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsher greatest dreamdots

    She walked on stilts and stretched up to the sky
    And dreamed of touching clouds, tasting a star.
    She wished so hard that she felt she could fly,
    Could kiss the peppery moon up high so far.

    Her legs dissolved, her hair turned blue and gray,
    Her arms were filled with light and hollow bones,
    Her skin was broken in a feathery way,
    And then seemed dyed strange slate and cyan tones.

    She soars now, a bright bluejay on the breeze,
    Flies when she can and pauses when she must
    And flits above the gray and choppy seas
    And chases the illuminated dust
    And never ever thinks that she could fall

    And never dreams of anything at all.

    Submitted on 2010-10-20 21:54:55     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

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    ||| Comments |||
      some things:

    1. up high so far. never ever.

    these are instances where the phrasing acts as padding to fill a metrical need.

    it's ok i guess because in one sense it seems to fit with the fairytale theme, but it's obvious flawing.

    2. And then seemed dyed strange slate and cyan tones.

    this line seems clumsy/a mouthful because of the four stressed syllables of seemed dyed strange slate.

    3. a lot of the thoughts are endstopped, ie they run for one - two lines but always finish at the end of a line. I suggest working on your enjambment so that you can vary the endpoint of some of these sentences. the theory is that it more closely mimics the natural patterns of speech ie it's variable, and that this can help with pacing tone etc.

    it's not such a problem here because of the theme you are working with but for a sterner topic it might be just the deal.

    Generally though you've got a good handle on the rhythms and i have to say i dug all the ands in the last six lines. there's good momentum in it.

    And chases the illuminated dust.


    | Posted on 2010-10-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]

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