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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: rest in peacedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 118
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 469
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 784



    Description:
       a bit silly


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsrest in peacedots
    -------------------------------------------


    we used to just kiss, giggle, hold hands
    but you became a lot more talkative
    after you were stabbed to death

    you have also developed a tendency to whine
    and you've picked up a bit of a weeping habit
    (yes, yes, I know how tough it is to quit once you've started)

    it's always something or other with you, now:
    memories of chills
    of aches
    of heartrending agony
    of the strange shivery feeling of the cold metal parting your flesh
    of the red red redness blossoming like a poinsettia flower across your skin

    and I think that maybe
    it's time we broke up

    (I never did believe in ghosts, anyway)




    Submitted on 2010-10-23 16:25:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      it's interesting to a point but feels a bit gimmicky --
    and i don't mean it in a bad way, i mean that out there concepts require a lot of work to hum (achieve synchronicity and a level of excellence) and so it's easy to shy away from them or leave them unfinished.

    i don't see this as being finished because for me it feels a bit bitter/naggy overall which makes it easy to fit / lump into the rant section.

    i think this poem wants to be striking, like the initial idea, and the poinsettia blood bloom idea.

    that idea is killer.

    specific things i'd look at would be editing out a lot of the informal references, i think this poem will work best with a statement of facts, and if you rely on the reader to read the poem with different interps in mind.

    I think the poem is about someone who got burned in a relationship.... she's talking to herself, and if that's the case you can still work the angle you are coming at it from but clean cut, direct brutality would make this poem better imo. I'm not saying that you should be heavy handed just that by balancing what needs to be said with the very minimum of what needs to be said you might have a very punchy poem.

    | Posted on 2010-10-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]


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