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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: pricelessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: WhatYouWill
    Elite Ratio:    5.75 - 65/76/35
    Words: 269
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 449
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1627



    Description:
       I just can't stop writing poetry, I find.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspricelessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    after long red days of waiting
    and long black nights of wishing
    I decided that I could not share you any longer

    I divided you with my razor-voice
    pulled you apart with my scalpel-song
    my soft fingers snipping away like scissors

    I took your hands down to the beach
    and buried them in the sticky wet sand

    I distributed all your parts to those who needed them
    and gave you their payments in return


    first, I sold all your hair to your mother
    to stroke when she misses you in the night
    (price: her dearest prayers and earliest memories)

    then, I sold your arms and legs to your father
    to carry him over wild seas, broad rivers
    (price: three sunsets and his latest nightmare)

    then, I sold your eyelashes to your sister
    to beat like wings in a sunny blue sky
    (price: a kiss on the cheek and two turtledoves)

    then, I sold both your eyes to your best friend
    to see all the things that inspired your poetry
    (price: his first love and his firstborn child)

    and then, I kept your heart myself
    to fold up and carry around in my pocket
    (price: all my love and a bottle of tears)

    and by the time that I saw there was one last thing left to sell
    it had escaped, flitted up and away
    and it sits on the crumpled sky
    and its tears mingle with the rain
    and the blood of your heart stains the blue of my shirt
    and I suddenly find
    that I miss missing you




    Submitted on 2010-10-24 21:20:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      it is entertaining in a way. It borders on "tongue in cheek" dark pop nonsense.

    I mean come now...turtle doves...really? did you just pull those words out of thin air or what? How does that mean anything?

    So i think great overall concept. Work on the details. Every word should mean something. If not get rid of it. Thats the tongue in cheek coming back to haunt you. When you throw in lines just because you think they sound cool it will take away from your piece.

    Good progress here. you should iron it out. Don't be so quick to move on to the next poem . Re-write rewrite Re-write it will only get better.


    Fizz
    | Posted on 2010-10-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]
      What I like here is the notion of dissection as a parallel to understanding or owning something completely. People say that magic lies in the mystery of it all and the same perhaps can be said about human relations.

    I also like the way you went about discussing it. The wording, to me, gives the act a sense of gentleness; as if it is a painless process that is almost justifiable. I think that works well with the piece because it sets up the tender ending perfectly.
    | Posted on 2010-10-25 00:00:00 | by ANGELO | [ Reply to This ]


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