after long red days of waiting
and long black nights of wishing
I decided that I could not share you any longer
I divided you with my razor-voice
pulled you apart with my scalpel-song
my soft fingers snipping away like scissors
I took your hands down to the beach
and buried them in the sticky wet sand
I distributed all your parts to those who needed them
and gave you their payments in return
first, I sold all your hair to your mother
to stroke when she misses you in the night
(price: her dearest prayers and earliest memories)
then, I sold your arms and legs to your father
to carry him over wild seas, broad rivers
(price: three sunsets and his latest nightmare)
then, I sold your eyelashes to your sister
to beat like wings in a sunny blue sky
(price: a kiss on the cheek and two turtledoves)
then, I sold both your eyes to your best friend
to see all the things that inspired your poetry
(price: his first love and his firstborn child)
and then, I kept your heart myself
to fold up and carry around in my pocket
(price: all my love and a bottle of tears)
and by the time that I saw there was one last thing left to sell
it had escaped, flitted up and away
and it sits on the crumpled sky
and its tears mingle with the rain
and the blood of your heart stains the blue of my shirt
and I suddenly find
that I miss missing you
it is entertaining in a way. It borders on "tongue in cheek" dark pop nonsense.
I mean come now...turtle doves...really? did you just pull those words out of thin air or what? How does that mean anything?
So i think great overall concept. Work on the details. Every word should mean something. If not get rid of it. Thats the tongue in cheek coming back to haunt you. When you throw in lines just because you think they sound cool it will take away from your piece.
Good progress here. you should iron it out. Don't be so quick to move on to the next poem . Re-write rewrite Re-write it will only get better.
What I like here is the notion of dissection as a parallel to understanding or owning something completely. People say that magic lies in the mystery of it all and the same perhaps can be said about human relations.
I also like the way you went about discussing it. The wording, to me, gives the act a sense of gentleness; as if it is a painless process that is almost justifiable. I think that works well with the piece because it sets up the tender ending perfectly.