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    dots Submission Name: Beholderdots

    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 424
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 911


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Pieces, falling away.
    Black tinsel regatta
    taints the taste of day.
    My wish, a spoon
    in the beholder's eye...
    I remember believing
    in reasons to cry.

    Life, the puppet show
    hiding our unkept nails
    and calloused palms
    I breathe in.
    Gray questions
    mark the checklists
    Stapled to my heart.
    Perfect smiles.

    What else is a heart
    than a finely tuned drum
    of crimson tone
    waiting to be played?
    Even when alone
    it can still be hurt.
    So I've heard.

    I plunge to rosy knees,
    hoping promises can be more
    than strawberries
    touched by velvet knuckles.
    I pace along these walls,
    a blind man,
    searching for your voice...


    Submitted on 2010-10-25 09:12:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      7's and 9's. Alka seltzer thoughts, really... 7's and 9's to discuss Feelings. Too technical, IMHO.

    I like the contrast of primal vs. human in this... the passionate touches of rosy knees, strawberries... the lace on the mud. The loneliness. The searching for silent voice...

    I look for those voices all the time. God (if it exists) help me when I actually hear them again. I'm sure they'll be screaming BITCH! when I do.

    Soul-shivering write here.
    | Posted on 2010-11-06 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      that first stanza is very well groomed. away/day and then eye/cry.

    after that the idea of rhyme becomes very relative. I think the contrast of the first and the rest might unbalance your piece a little.

    heres another thing, All stanzas have 7 lines each save one which has 9.

    These little quirks...you have to decide if they are artistic expression and complimenting the piece or are they taking away from it.

    Personally I think you have talent and show great promise. I find this a little unbalanced though. On the other hand well thought out piece. better than most that I've read on here today.


    | Posted on 2010-10-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]

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