Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Beholderdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Clayman
    ASL Info:    28 - getting late
    Elite Ratio:    6.34 - 609/327/167
    Words: 119
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 424
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 911



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBeholderdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Pieces, falling away.
    Black tinsel regatta
    taints the taste of day.
    My wish, a spoon
    in the beholder's eye...
    I remember believing
    in reasons to cry.

    Life, the puppet show
    hiding our unkept nails
    and calloused palms
    dissipates...
    I breathe in.
    Gray questions
    mark the checklists
    Stapled to my heart.
    Perfect smiles.

    What else is a heart
    than a finely tuned drum
    of crimson tone
    waiting to be played?
    Even when alone
    it can still be hurt.
    So I've heard.

    I plunge to rosy knees,
    hoping promises can be more
    than strawberries
    touched by velvet knuckles.
    I pace along these walls,
    a blind man,
    searching for your voice...

    -Svw




    Submitted on 2010-10-25 09:12:04     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      7's and 9's. Alka seltzer thoughts, really... 7's and 9's to discuss Feelings. Too technical, IMHO.

    I like the contrast of primal vs. human in this... the passionate touches of rosy knees, strawberries... the lace on the mud. The loneliness. The searching for silent voice...

    I look for those voices all the time. God (if it exists) help me when I actually hear them again. I'm sure they'll be screaming BITCH! when I do.

    Soul-shivering write here.
    | Posted on 2010-11-06 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]
      that first stanza is very well groomed. away/day and then eye/cry.

    after that the idea of rhyme becomes very relative. I think the contrast of the first and the rest might unbalance your piece a little.

    heres another thing, All stanzas have 7 lines each save one which has 9.

    These little quirks...you have to decide if they are artistic expression and complimenting the piece or are they taking away from it.

    Personally I think you have talent and show great promise. I find this a little unbalanced though. On the other hand well thought out piece. better than most that I've read on here today.

    Fizz

    | Posted on 2010-10-27 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187525

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry