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    dots Submission Name: pizza hut, 6:47 pmdots

    Author: mixedemotions00
    ASL Info:    24/F/US
    Elite Ratio:    6.26 - 574/377/69
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Misc/Longing
    Total Views: 1447
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 788

       non-fiction. came to me last night after our "just as friends" dinner and a movie.
    Should I keep this title? My working title was actually "Just as Friends", and I decided to try something new. Thoughts, ideas, suggestions por favor.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspizza hut, 6:47 pmdots

    Discontent and feeling awkward,
    she tries to relax in the booth,
    dangerously close to tipping,
    against the wall,
    against the table,
    sending flatware and flat soda
    in all directions.

    His nervous laughter,
    nervous tapping
    drum away seconds,
    but still the minutes drag.
    Small talk
    becomes a large burden,
    and sighs
    and moans
    cut through the grease-laden air.

    Why must we change?
    Emotions remain,
    but in place of
    in place of affection
    and grinning
    and vows of devotion,
    all that remains now is
    hidden love
    and painful smiles.

    Submitted on 2004-07-26 22:14:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      wow...stared with the title, just kept getting more intense from there.

    the anxiety in this one is enough to give a grey hair...i'm older comes easy...hehe

    but the poem is perfect...felt like reaching across the table and slapping him...but that's just me.
    | Posted on 2004-10-06 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      I'd take out 'and grinning', because it makes me think of a big evil grin for some reason, and I don't think that's what you mean! I think this is great. I really like

    'dangerously close to tipping,
    against the wall,
    against the table,
    sending flatware and flat soda
    in all directions.'

    The whole poem is so vivid - makes it really easy to picture the scene and the mood. Very cool. I'm impressed. Becky
    | Posted on 2004-08-10 00:00:00 | by SugarMouse | [ Reply to This ]
      A priceless notion.
    Provocative thoughts in a public place.
    Pizza hut no less.
    This must have been a spur of the moment write.
    It wasn't animosity between the server and company correct?
    Perhaps a little emotional tension...as seen within painful smiles, hidden love being a non sexual friendship.
    Maybe I'm WAY off...
    I like your picture though.
    | Posted on 2004-08-09 00:00:00 | by MyX | [ Reply to This ]
      Just very good and I'm sat at the next table, watching this sorry couple endure each other.
    The stanzas do an excellent job of chronicling this discomfort as does the title and even if the readers haven't been in this situation before, your descriptive language provides all the necessary information and emotion to put them there.
    Maybe go to the thesaurus and finesse another word for the second nervous or remove the comma and place an and at the start of the second line, which would underscore the discomfort.
    A shame that this will get lost in the rush of other stuff...
    Unless it's a favourite.
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by Awkward | [ Reply to This ]
      first off.. definitely keep that title. it does a lot... gives a mental setting.. and the precise time (for me) seemed to emphasise how in a situation like this the minutes drag like hours.. like you're more aware than ever of the time..

    as for the poem itself.. the first stanza is amazing.. the image of this precarious balancing act that she is trying to pull off.. against the image of the man in the second stanza.. more nervous, agitated movement.. with the drumming of the fingers.. the image of the two of them sitting there trying to find anything to talk about not to think of the fact that this is a 'just friends' moment is excellent.

    the only line that i felt was out of place was 'why must life change?'.. i dont know if it's cause of the use of the word 'life'.. but it seems a tiny bit melodramatic in the context.. although i know that in a situation like that it can feel like everything should come to a grinding halt.

    excellent write.
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by girlinthephoto | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very nicely done. Congratulations on addressing an awkward part of an awkward subject very elegantly. I'm going to try and slip "Small talk becomes a large burden" into my conversations somewhere. A most elegant turn of phrase. If it is your own, you are to be congratulated for it.

    Peace, O
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by Occam | [ Reply to This ]
      liked the flatware and flat soda line. i could also see the tension in the air. reminds me of a couple of awkward times in my life. great job expressing the thought.
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by encognyto | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it, too! Great job conveying those painful feelings! And, yes, I agree that the title is perfect.

    There was one line I am bothered by--"dangerously close to tipping,". I don't really understand why she would be tipping, and I don't like that word there.

    On the other hand, I really appreciated "flatware and flat soda". Made me smile.

    Great job!
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by Amelit | [ Reply to This ]
      I LOVE this poem! Good good good! The title is great. It's a moment in time, but expresses so much. My favourite lines are 'sending flatware and flat soda in all directions.' It's just wonderful. I'm putting this on favourites. It's all so very well done.
    | Posted on 2004-07-26 00:00:00 | by Shuurinakisame | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this up till the last verse... it seems to disregard all the other sensations and textures that you speak of before... especially if you stick to this title (which i like btw...) i would keep the focus you originally start off with and bring the other points about emotion hurt and changing stutus of you and the other person to be emphasised by the type of lines and the imagery of the circumstance rather than on the love/hate/emotion words in the third verse. This is just my opinion, but I liked the way it stated and hinted at the purpose of you sitting there without actually coming out and being obvious about it. *giggle* you seem to have a way with grease - perhaps this is also something to think on? in any case, nicely done ^_^
    | Posted on 2004-08-24 00:00:00 | by Transcendancing | [ Reply to This ]
    i'm a little at a loss of words here... so i'll try hard and think what i like best about this -
    1. you tackled a difficult subject without having to resort to wordy metaphors.
    2. i liked how the last stanza would up the first two
    3. strong last line.
    awesome write
    | Posted on 2004-07-27 00:00:00 | by Judy | [ Reply to This ]
      I must say your words show alot of maturity for you only to be 18 yrs. old. This was a very interesting poem, reading the title I thought that it would be funny and instead it was very intimate. Good write.
    | Posted on 2004-11-27 00:00:00 | by The Black Rose | [ Reply to This ]

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