Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
    • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
    • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Crack in the Framedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: BlazeFlamme
    ASL Info:    22/m/TX
    Elite Ratio:    1.81 - 23/160/138
    Words: 154
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 509
    Average Vote:    1.0000
    Bytes: 992



    Description:
       Meh.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCrack in the Framedots
    -------------------------------------------


    So what will you do?
    You know how the rinse and repeat turns
    And comes back for you
    Think you can cope next time it burns?

    You should know I'll try
    To keep the cycle at bay
    As much time as I can buy
    But it's merely futile delay

    Because when I cry
    She's the past that's on my mind
    Though by and by
    She'll be what I seek to find

    I don't want to be the villain
    I don't even wish this true
    Yet, I have noone to instill in
    My heartache belongs not to you

    I don't know why
    We get along just fine
    No secrets or lies
    Never once crossed the line

    But I've put much thought and time in this
    I know what, but why I can't see
    And when you're gone you're quite missed
    But Somehow, you don't complete me

    Guess I'm broken.




    Submitted on 2010-10-27 20:54:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      i agree with mister fizz's analysis on what you're writing here. i just wanted to state that alost of these stanzas would make pretty good alternative(mainstream alternative) lyrics. just needs a chorus. might be fun to try and do something like that.
    | Posted on 2010-10-29 00:00:00 | by cornonthekob | [ Reply to This ]
      First let me say I like the idea of this piece. "Crack In The Frame" to me implies a relationship of sorts that is missing something. It appears great from every angle but yet...something lacks. Like a thirst that you cannot quench with anything in your refrigerator.

    So A+ on content, it is interesting.

    I like how you put this to rhyme. Kind of adds a light hearted tongue in cheek feel to it.

    I felt the meter was a little off in places. It kind of makes you stumble as you read it. Makes the piece appear a little more clumsy than it should.

    So I would say great effort, think about the meter and what you might do to tighten it up.


    Fizz
    | Posted on 2010-10-28 00:00:00 | by Mister Fizzle | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?    		7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187560

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Deaf Dumb and Blind is no excuse written by poetotoe
    Wavelength written by saartha
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    4th Season of Vivaldi written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Wish written by Daniel Barlow
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Bond written by saartha
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Fasade written by jackz
    new moon written by CrypticBard
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    Summer written by layDsayD
    Break Up written by WriteSomething
    The Song on Your Guitar written by SavedDragon
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Treasure Chest written by PieceOfCake
    Transparent written by Daniel Barlow
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Trails written by Daniel Barlow
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Linger written by saartha

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry