Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: An Old Lamentdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Civilian
    ASL Info:    21/M/Australia
    Elite Ratio:    7.14 - 146/166/35
    Words: 149
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 755
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1027



    Description:
       Hopefully it speaks for itself- I figure a lot of people have a similar memory that gnaws at them.

    Thoughts, suggestions, whatever- anything is welcome.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAn Old Lamentdots
    -------------------------------------------


    When you fell from the tree
    I should have grabbed your hand.
    Instead I laughed, as you lay
    spread-eagled and breathless,
    a flailing pantomime
    pleading for sympathy.

    I didn't spot the tears
    welling up in your eyes
    or the blood trickling down your brow.

    They slid discretely down
    and congealed by your feet
    in a sad, salty pool.
    I can still smell the pain
    and hear the soft dripping
    as our love drained away.

    Now when you look at me
    I don't know what to say.
    The blood and tear stains
    have been replaced
    by the tiniest scar,
    the hardest smile
    and a shrill, strained timbre
    that screams disgust.

    Last night, that soft dripping
    kept me awake for hours.
    A milky cup of tea,
    Blood on the Tracks on loop,
    but still this old lament
    is all I have for you.




    Submitted on 2010-11-04 12:54:54     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This is excellent indeed. The truth it speaks to is one most anyone one that isn't near perfect can connect with. We have all laughed at someone’s pain, only to realize latter it was something more serious. Take heart though, the gnawing guilt is proof that despite your mischievous, jovial nature you are a decent human being somewhere at your core.

    I will say that I kind of got some of this caught in my throat and stumbled a bit. Not sure if that was a "you" or "me" issue. I love the flow and structure, and it is over all a very beautiful piece. If I were forced to critic it I would have to say that for one reason or another line, "Blood on the Tracks on loop" doesn’t sit well with me for some reason. Again, I m not too sure if that is a "you" or "me" problem. Nicely done...
    | Posted on 2010-11-06 00:00:00 | by nicodemous | [ Reply to This ]
      You should never let your friends down with an abrupt BANG.

    I really like this, it's quite good, brings to mind a memory I'd like to forget (I hope I will...), of when Love becomes Something Else. We all leave scars, especially when we shatter the Trust and cut the heart open wide.

    And so it bleeds.... and even when it stops, the blood has its own ghost.

    | Posted on 2010-11-04 00:00:00 | by Runes | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    187658

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry