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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: But Good Moments dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: nicodemous
    ASL Info:    7-5-82/M/Hell
    Elite Ratio:    5.58 - 283/221/121
    Words: 86
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 569
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 563



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBut Good Moments dots
    -------------------------------------------


    You have brought it back to me
    My smile
    Through funny, awkward moments

    But good moments

    Reminds me of long lost memories
    Of a fidgety child's excitement
    Lost in the moment of pure anticipation

    So ready to explode
    But so comfortable

    My age betrays me
    My nature, of the boy inside
    So much older, so much wiser

    But some how no more able
    To be rid of, funny, awkward moments
    Or my love of the purity they represent




    Submitted on 2010-11-06 10:36:57     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      i read the three poems you've posted, i wanted to reciprocate, but i felt they were, in general, using common phrases and not going anywhere too grand.

    i didn't comment initially, because as you can see i've already made more enemies here at es with just a few lines..... srysly.....

    but seriously, i don't know how to be pc when sometimes i wish i did.


    You have brought it back to me
    My smile
    Through funny, awkward moments

    But good moments

    *Reminds me of long lost memories
    Of a fidgety child's excitement
    *Lost in the moment of pure anticipation

    So ready to explode
    But so comfortable

    My age betrays me
    *My nature, of the boy inside
    *So much older, so much wiser

    But some how no more able
    (this was a nice change up)
    To be rid of, funny, awkward moments
    Or my love of the purity they represent

    the star things denote questionable lines, but i think that isabella is on to something, for me, poetry is like sculpture, you are adjusting the words to give the body form,

    and sometimes you just mangle the clay, lose what it was you had, and think fu.ck this clay [censored], you wash your hands of it.... but hopefully you return and try to make the thing what it wants to be.

    phrasings/bodies of words suggest other phrasings or touches that might be made, and i think here you have good clay.

    You have brought it back to me
    the delination of
    a smile

    Through funny, awkward moments

    good moments.

    Reminds me of long lost memories
    Of a fidgety child's excitement
    Lost in the moment of pure anticipation

    this part above... i'd consider rewording all but the fidgety child part, in the first and third line you have repeated lost twice, that's ironic, poetic in a way,

    not in a good way. but, the ideas are good because they set up the next two lines and i like that they suggest them, it's just the phrasing imo.

    So ready to explode
    But so comfortable

    *to collapse into comfortability /
    to collapse and be comfortable

    My age betrays me


    My nature, of the boy inside
    So much older, so much wiser

    these lines are not adding much that is new in terms of fresh off the conveyor belt phrasing.

    But some how no more able
    To be rid of, funny, awkward moments
    Or, my love, the purity they represent

    i like the last three lines, if i take the idea of the piece as a whole, where i think it's aiming to go then
    i think it's nice, it's nice how you use the goofiness and at the close you set it against a serious moment, it is surprising and you can imagine a woman *the woman being taken aback in the extreme,

    in a good way.

    i like that, it's quietly romantic and sincere.


    | Posted on 2010-11-07 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this. the idea of it and the feeling of. it's very relatable.

    i would almost suggest a pare down. mainly because i feel it would make this a bit more gittery; adolescent, even.

    'But some how no more able
    To be rid of, funny, awkward moments
    Or my love of the purity they represent'

    the ending part is my most favorite in this. it's those unrehearsed feelings/moments that stick with you. there's an innocence attached.

    so yea...

    | Posted on 2010-11-07 00:00:00 | by isabella | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    9. How could it be improved?
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    187677

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

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